Freshman Year: sHE beLIEveD & sHE's brOKen

32: "The same love that makes me laugh makes me cry."

“The same love that makes me laugh makes me cry.”

I am running out of quotes! Well, I have plenty, but not really any that are accurate to how I am feeling right about now.

6/23/13

         So I was upset this morning when I had to talk to Kyle about Michael. But I told Kyle about my minimal feelings for _____. I want to take that secret to the grave. I then watched Degrassi and it made me have no anger for Michael. Damn Eli! Eli + Claire….but Michael is no Eli…I would say _____ is more Eli.

         Also I dropped drawing and added Art history. Well, I am on the waitlist. But it’s better than having suicidal tendencies every Monday/Wednesday (joking). Now I only have Math with Michael.

         I remember signing up for classes with him. I didn’t want him to take classes with me. I mean at the time I thought, ‘Well, this is the first thing he has done that is a long term commitment thing’ so I let it slide because that meant he saw us being together for that long.

         But inside, in the back of my mind, I knew it was a mistake. Hopefully I’ll be able to survive. Gosh, can I just say that Daniel said everything Michael could never say to me. Sorry, off topic.

Lot’s of emotions. Sadly that’s what I have to go through so I can get back to being “normal”. Yes, you read that right, I am having feelings for someone else, but trust me the person I am having feelings for is not a good person for me to have feelings for. That’s why I left it blank. But the fact that I can and am having feelings for someone else is a huge sign I’m starting to move on. Gosh, it must be so easy to be Michael not having to deal with this. But me having minimal feelings for someone else doesn’t mean I’m completely over Michael. That will take time and therapy.

Veronica Mars is actually helping me move on from Michael. Veronica has to deal with seeing Duncan, her ex, all the time. If Veronica can do it, so can I.

6/24/13

         So last night I talked to Daniel and he said he would always be there for me. We talked for a while. I ended up going to bed around three or so in the morning.

         Lately I’ve been feeling a bit better. About Reece that is, not Michael. No, not him. I still have plenty of things I have to work through regarding him.

         The trailer for Dexter season 8 was epic. There was a scene that reminded me of me and Michael…Michael is Dexter, and I am Debra. At least in the later seasons.

         I know but seriously Dexter…I have always been able to relate to the show, even more so once I realized Michael had crazy similarities to Dexter.

         This is the last chapter. So here are some more quotes that are applicable to how I’ve been feeling, plus I think a lot of people would like them.  

“She was drowning but nobody saw her struggle.”

“The saddest kind of sad is the sad that tries not to be sad. You know, when Sad tries to bite its lip and not cry and smile and go, ‘No, I’m happy for you?’ That’s when it’s really sad.”

“Have you ever wanted to ask a question but you didn’t because you knew in your heart that you wouldn’t be able to handle the answer?”

“Find someone who isn’t afraid to admit that they miss you. Someone who knows that you’re not perfect, but treats you as if you are. Someone who’s biggest fear is losing you. One who gives their heart completely. Someone who says I love you and means it. Last but not least, find someone who wouldn’t mind waking up with you in the morning, seeing you in wrinkles and gray hair, but still falls for you all over again.”

“If you don’t mean as much in their eyes as they do in yours they’re not worth looking at.”

“Don’t be someone’s downtime, spare time, part time, or sometime. If they can’t be there for you all of the time, then they’re not even worth your time.”

“The same love that makes me laugh makes me cry.”

“If he misses you, he’ll call. If he wants you, he’ll say it. If he cares, he’ll show it. And if not, he can’t be worth your time because you’re obviously not worth his.”

“I want someone to fight for me. Just once, I want someone to be afraid of losing me. Not just say that they don’t want to lose me. I want them to mean it. I want them to genuinely be afraid of losing me. You have those people, that just say that they never want to lose you. But then one day, they just decide to leave. I want someone to fight for me. When I’m about to leave, they pull me back. Tell me what they love about me. Tell me how much they love. Tell me what I mean to them. Show me, how much they don’t want to lose you. Words mean nothing. I want them to prove to me, everything that they’ll ever say to me. You say you love me, well show me that you do. You say you care about me, prove it. You say you don’t want to lose me, well, show me. Once day, I hope someone will fight for me.”

Now I told this story because I know life can be tough, hell I know. And there are people who have gone through much worse than I have, but it doesn’t mean what I experienced weren’t traumatic. Everyone experiences trauma in different ways, and something that can be traumatic to me someone else might brush off or vice versa.

If someone who has been sexually assaulted, has an eating disorder, got PTSD from being sexually assaulted, then got broken up with, which lead to depression and an increase in anxiety can get through it and have hope, so can you.

         I am not just a fighter. I am a survivor.

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AUTHORS NOTE:

Now for all those who might be curious or who might have gone through anything similar that happened in this story, the next things I post are going to be pages that give information on the things listed above. Hopefully the information will help you if you’ve gone through it or know someone who might be going through it.