Freshman Year: sHE beLIEveD & sHE's brOKen

10: "Holding her hand in public is another way of saying...

"Holding her hand in public is another way of saying you’re proud of her."

What do you do when you have a boyfriend who doesn’t have any time to see you? Simple. Give him access to your journal. Talk through it. That’s what I did. And it meant that I fully trusted Michael. Like, fully. He had complete access to my deepest and darkest thoughts.

     What would you do if your significant other did that for you? I know I’d be thrilled. Michael…well…he is Michael…that’s all I can really say.

     He read my most recent entries…and responded. Now, I can’t reveal what he wrote to me because it is not my place, but all I can reveal is that he definitely wants to be around me. That was nice to know. He wants to be slow, physically. He didn’t like that Valentine’s Day made us think it was “practically required” to be physical.

     I wrote a response to his entry, and wrote my own thoughts because hell that’s what its for. And I wrote…

2/21/13

     I discovered feeling of whether I’m deserving/good enough for anything really. I struggle with the idea of being good enough, cuz I always want to be perfect, but I’m not. Not even close. I’ll never be perfect because perfection doesn’t exist. Also I was thinking of my self-sabotaging stuff and how I test people.

     Giving Michael my journal is a huge step for me. I mean, for someone who doesn’t trust people often, I think its good that I trust Michael enough to let him know my thoughts/feelings.

     Today I was thinking abut how stupid society is and how they make girls out to be a certain way. I mean, I think about this often, but like when I start thinking about myself and the expectations of guys I don’t feel good enough.

     Like I was talking with Christian about how sometimes I feel guilty/bad if I think of myself as pretty or a cool person. I know I’m a good person and an extremely loyal friend, but sometimes I feel like no one see’s the good in me or something. Like maybe I’m not good enough or worthy enough to be their friend or something.

     I deserve to be treated with respect. I’m important…I’m good enough. I am worthy. I am pretty. (Hey, maybe if I write/say it enough times I’ll actually believe it.)

     I like myself. Honestly I do. I know the traits I’m not fond of, but I see the good ones too. I need to learn that its okay to be happy, and I am learning that. I am making progress when it comes to my past…but I’m SCARED. That when I go home for spring break I will lose all the progress I’ve made.

     Seems like a lot of weight on someone’s mind when they are about to go over to Michael’s house for dinner with Christian and Matt. Yes we were going to Michaels, since he lives here, to have dinner.

     The car ride there was only thirty minutes, and when we got there, I finally met Topaz, their beautiful golden retriever. If you couldn’t tell I am quite the animal person.

     Dinner was great, though I was so self conscious because of how picky I was. Looking around the table everyone ate a lot compared to me. After dinner we went outside to the back deck and enjoyed a small bonfire and had a light painting photo shoot. It was a great night really. A beautiful memory.

     The next day though, I had many mixed emotions. I was nervous about going back home and annoyed because Michael and I really didn’t spend much time at all together and then in three weeks I’d be gone. I wondered if we would ever have time to get closer. I also was annoyed at Matt for making a comment about my eating in front of Michael’s mother. Matt said, “We need to slap some meat on those bones!”