After the Death Cure 2 ( The Maze Runner )

Chapter 45

The night is seeming to take forever. I can't sleep. I feel so tired, but my eyes just won't stay shut. I try to push away the fact that everything I have will be lost. It's not much, though. The only thing I have is Newt, and I barely even have him.
My heart becomes heavy with guilt and anxiety. It beats slowly, even as it feels as if it's racing. It pumps abnormally slow, which gives me hope that I might die of a heart attack. Or maybe even heart break.

Because, oh, how it's breaking.

I think back at all of the memories of the Maze. How scared I was when I first went up. How even more terrified when I was alone...at night. I'm more scared of what's in the dark, rather then the dark itself. That's all my life revolved around for the last three-and-a-half; what lives in the dark. The things that only come out at night.
But the worst moment would have to be when the doors stayed open. I knew that everyone wanted me to be the "leader", even though I chose peacekeeper, so it was as if they all looked at me like their leader anyway. I had no idea what to do. I was probably more terrified than anyone else. I had to protect them, or else one by one, they would die.
I felt so...helpless.
Now, here I am again. I'm going to go back into that Hell on earth, and I'm going to experience this fear all over again. And in the end, if I get my memories back, I'm going to remember all of my friends dying, and realize who they really were to me, before the second time around in the Maze.
If Newt dies, I'm going to remember who he was to me, and I think I might just die too.
At this moment, I decided that I don't want my memories back. I don't care how badly in the future I want them back, WICKED had better not give them to me.
What if this is what I thought before the first time in the Maze?
I vomit all over myself, which was unexpected but totally understandable. I wipe my face with my bed sheet, and head to the bathroom.
Oh my goodness.
I repeat the same phrase over and over in my head. What if past me didn't want future me to have my horrible memories back? Is WICKED good?
I stop myself at this thought. WICKED is insane. No matter what I said three years ago, I change my mind. If I saw good in the Maze then, I definitely don't see it now. Now that I've experienced it, of course. Now that I'm going to experience it again.
I take my second shower for the night, washing all of the barf off of me. This is not the life I want. I think about drowning myself in the tub, but suicide is a selfish act. No one should die like that. No one should leave others behind, wondering what they did wrong. No one should throw away any happiness that they might have in the future.
I remind myself that with every night, there is a morning. With every storm, there is a calm. And with every maze, there's a way out.
I've done this before, and I can do it again.