After the Death Cure 2 ( The Maze Runner )

Chapter 44

The past few hours have been tormenting. I wipe away tears as I head to the cafeteria. I wouldn't be going to eat, except for the fact that my anxiety attack caused me to miss lunch.
I hate to act this depressed. I can't help it, though. I know I should be enjoying my last few moments with my friends, but now that I think about it...for what? I'm going to forget them anyway. It's not like what we say to each other is going to impact our lives. By our lives, I mean WICKED's. They own us, or at least, they act like it.
It feels as if my thoughts are screaming, I almost believe it too, Newt is staring right at me. "What?"
"There's so much I want-"
"Newt, don't go there," I cut him off, reaching for a tray.
"You can't do this to me," he grabs my hand, "To us."
"There is no us," I snatch my hand away. The damage I've done is apparent by the look on his face. "I mean...there won't be."
"Stop it." Tears swell up in his eyes. His lower lip twitches, and it almost hurts to look at him. "Don't be like this. It isn't you."
"Then what is? Tell me, because I really would like to know what is and isn't me," my voice starts to raise, but I quiet it as I start to place food on my plate. "It won't matter anyway. We won't remember. And I'll be the first to forget." It seems as if my pain hurts him more than it hurts me.

If that's even possible.

We quietly eat our dinner, which was expected. I can see where Lily and Thomas are holding hands under the table. I feel so much guilt with Thomas sitting there. He's making me feel like an awful person.
"You're not wearing your ring," Newt whispers to me.
"Of course I'm not, it's not ours, remember?"
"Yeah, I guess."
More guilt floods over me. Why can't this day just be over? The anxiety is killing me. I come to realize: that's the first anxiety attack I've ever had. It was quite terrible. Like butterflies in your stomach when you get nervous, only they hurt. I felt so helpless.

Kind of reminds me of the Maze. The most helpless feeling ever is to be trapped inside of four walls, forcing you to stay inside at certain hours of the day.