The Heart Chronicles

➳ Daughter

My mother doesn't see me as a daughter

because she tells me, that I am not 

I am only a pile of skin and bones and regrets and- 

mistakes 

On nights when she is troubled she asks me why

Why I am this way when she was anything but me when she was younger

She asks me how

How this thing could be a result of her 

I don't reply 

She has taught me that the words that leave my lips are poison

That every sentence I form is worthless just like the flesh I live in 

That my tongue produces words that no one else wants to hear

Words that are just too weird, too odd, too me 

So I learned to hold it all in

I learned to be the pile of bones and skin and regrets and mistakes

she claims I am

I learned to keep the words in and only let them out when no one is watching 

Even though, I still want to tell her that I am afraid

Afraid because she left me on my own 

I still need her 

But she refuses to acknowledge this being that isn't really one 

She turns a blind eye to the product of her 

She considers herself loving and accepting 

And she is, but only for everyone else 

What have I done to make her treat me this way?

Can't she tell the only reason she thinks I am emotionless

is because I don't want to be a burden?

Can't she tell that deep inside I hide my troubles because I know 

that she doesn't care?

I miss her  

I miss the mother that used to tell me that I am beautiful 

That used to hug me and tell me that my weight doesn't matter

That the grades I get don't define me

Now, now she only tells me how I need to be a little more of that 

and a little less of this 

She tells me I need to lose weight because no one will love me as I am 

She tells me I am an idiot for thinking I am smart 

She tells me "You are the biggest mistake of my life"

I try to tell her I try not to be 

She thinks I am being self-centered for not responding

She thinks the reason why I hide in my room and refuse to speak to her 

Is because I think I am too good for everyone else

I don't tell her it's because I am too ashamed to show myself

to the world 

I don't tell her the reason why I hide is because I am afraid I will cause a mess

That I am afraid I will make a mistake since that's all I ever do and am

I try to tell her I am misunderstood but she tells me I am a Miss. Always-thinks-I'm-Good

I am done 

The fact that I still love her hurts me 

more than it will ever hurt her

I know I am stupid for still sticking around but she was my only source of hope 

she was the only source of happiness I had 

but I still stay because she tells me I'm bearable on the days 

when she is happy

On those days she tells me that if I smile more

then maybe I'll become lovable 

I don't tell her that  I will smile more 

but only to become a daughter

l.a.

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I just wanted to make it clear that this is not completely based on my life so don't go hating on my mom lol. The reason why I wrote it though is because lately I've been hearing stories of moms who are not very good at being a mom, and it troubled me to see these things happening to both people I know and don't know. Also, I made this out to be a spoken word poem, but I still like it written down. Hope you guys like it. Thanks and have a lovely day.