The Voices Inside my Head!!!!

Pain

I used to think that pain wasnt ever physical, that everything you feel inside and out can be controlled and contained; not safely of coarse because nothing isnt ever really safe.
I listen to music but it doesnt help,
It isnt helping anymore.
I dont know what it is to be honest, its like i can hear thousands of voices and feel billions of eyes but there isnt ever anyone there,
Why do they want me?
Maybe im going crazy
Going
Maybe i already am crazy
Maybe.
Certain people,
words said that bring back the saddest moments that i cant control sometimes i feel like this isnt even my body anymore.
I cant sing because it hurts,
I pray but when i do these voices get louder more aggressive screaming at me,
You cant do this! You have no fucking purpose, Amanda... one day you are gonna.come.back to is one day very soon we will take you back home; your real home.
Perhaps everyone was right about me awhile back.
I am possessed.
Possessed by my wn pride and rage,
My own self loathing and hatred,
Sad and tired,
Hurt by my own ambitions.
This is pain.
Its pain when you are waking up with a headache but this is different realizing that you need help
God you need help.
Realizing that after a year you are handling it well were handling it so well for the longest time and then something...
Everything is a trigger.
You begin to realize not everyone thinks the same,
You realize that you are trying.so hard to protect yourself when all you wanna do is give up.
Today is one of those days.
I am so tired of battling alone yet im not alone, i have god,
I have my brother,
I have my mom,
But i am in so much pain.
I know it is so pointless for self infliction when there are plenty of bodies about me take them the voices always taunt but.in the end its me.
Always has been just me.
Suppose everyone travels woth these voices all the time not just me,
Perhaps everyone is in pain and i somehow single myself out and for what?
You arent anything special, kitty,
You never were.
You are alone amd always have been, you thought god could save you but he saves tjose who are willing to save themselves first.
If that is the notion i am already as good as useless.
You wouldn't think that there was ever anything wrong with me,
Ever.
But then i look back and start crying randomly because thwy dont stop,
They dont ever shut up!
They dont know how to shut up!
So perhaps they are demons, perhaps its the devil who takes my many personalities to begin with?
Its all in your head, Amanda.
Its always been all in your head thats why when i die everyone is only gonna question why i did it to begin with.
Why i took my own life when i am already a coward,
Why i had to shut the voices up for good.
Why i was so stupid to do it when easily someone may have already had the idea to do the favor for me.