Dear mom,
If you understood what was happening to me and i know you see it too youd understand that im scared. Mom im terrified because i dont get it. I dont think i will never understand it... they say as you get older it gets easier to forget,
To forgive,
To handle it but not for me.
To me its like as i get older it only gets more difficult,i only feel worse about not having any mother figure thereall those years. But i had to be strong, i always have to be steong for everyone. I never had an actual choice to give up but now that i do it seems that i have.
Im hustso tired of being in pain.
Mentally,
Physically,
Emotionally.
Im tired of finding zero answers but thousands of solutions. I wish you were still here and that you would never have gottwn sick.
In an altetnate universe where we still live as a family in a nice house,
Where me and Ricky had a better outlook on life and we didnt resent each other,
A place where we had no worries.
Some days i think its just you listening not God,i know its wrong but damn it... i pray and i dont get an answer. I need someone to lidten and sometimes i think its just you and its not fair.
People if they really gave a fuck they wouldnt ignore my screams for pain they wouldn't ignore Ricky's, we wouldnt be trying to kill ourselves,
We wouldnt be hiding behind our thoughts.
We wouldn't have to be afraid.
I want you back mom.
It was fate to happen this way and perhaps fate that im falling.
Damn it i am falling because i am so fucking frustrated and tired,
Im so sick of fighting. Because its not getting any better.
Then i have to look around and then i have to think that situations could be worse. That me or ricky have been given golden opportunities to die but we didnt take them,
We have been given gifts and have no useful way to use them,
We have known so much at such a young age and in the long run has taught me nothing.
I have to learn all over again, to me this life is like learning to drive im terrified to take the wheel and i have no idea how to steer... and just... im scared.
Mom if you can read or see this i need you to answer me.
I need an answer for me, to tell me what's really the big picture. Whats really going on in this lifetime that i need to prepare for.
YOU ARE READING
The Voices Inside my Head!!!!
De Todothese realy are just the most random yet meaningful things youll hear. I dedicate this to those with mental illnesses or emotional trauma.
