Break me

D

August 12, 2013

Mother.

I know. I already yelled at you today. But I just don't think you got my point.

It's your anniversary today. It is the day that you pledged yourself to dad. You pledged to stay with him in sickness and in health as long as you lived.

And it makes me sick. Dad kept his end of the promise. But you didn't. You let the starts blind you.

Today was a terrible day. It was terrible. And nothing was specifically wrong.

Dad was in a bad mood all day. I made macaroni and cheese for lunch, and he wasn't even happy about it. He was growling more than my cat would after getting stepped on.

My sister and him got in a fight over some stupid clothing allowance. I was sitting there, eating my macaroni, and I wanted to cover my ears with my hands. I wanted the world to stop.

My macaroni has temporarily stopped tasting good for today. Normally when I'm stressed, I'm shoveling in that mac and cheese like nothing can stop me. But when it comes to you, I stop.

If my sister wanted me to lose weight, she would replay that picture video made for your funeral. That thing is sad. I never want to watch it ever again. I don't know where it is either, which is a good thing because I don't want to watch it.

The last time I watched it was a couple weeks after your funeral. Dad and your children, we were going to go to grandpa's birthday party at the holiday in soon. Remember, you used to love that party. Every year, our family, grandma and grandpa, and your borther's family would go. We'd go swimming, eat snacks, and have so much fun.

Although we still have that party every year, I have no shame in admitting that they aren't as much fun as they used to be. Without you, they aren't fun. It's ovbious. I think your brother didn't even go to last year's party.

Anyways, right before our family left for the party. You know, the party that was only a couple weeks after your funeral, dad watched your funeral video. I just crept in the living room behind him, watching it too.

It was sad. Sad music. Sad pictures. Sad to have a second year by your name.

Dad just melted there. Cried harder than anyone I had ever seen cry. And there was nothing happy about it. I'd never actually seen dad cry. He'd pretend to cry once in a while just to rile you up, but this was real. And I didn't know what to do.

I wanted to cry too.

There was nothing childish about it anymore. Dad had a right to cry. After all the holding your hands, the brave face, the strong one. It was just sad.

He said he didn't even want to go to the party anymore.

I haven't seen him really cry much since, but I wonder if he still does.

I mean, today, grandma-dad's mom-called, and I had a nice little chat with her. And she casually mentioned if I knew that it was my parent's anniversary.

I did know. Very aware of the fact.

She told me about how dad was at your wedding. She said that when dad walked down the isle with you, that she had never seen him so happy.

That's saying something.

I told her how dad was crabby all day. It was like a sigh. Dad was obviously thinking about you today. About what could have been and gone.

And she told me how today wasn't a sad day. Today signifies the happiness that you and dad shared.

Grandma is right, but I want to disagree. There is nothing happy about today.

I've been having trouble sleeping lately. I don't know if it's your fault or not. I'm just scared to have my eyes shut, and I'm scared to be sleeping.

My bed just isn't comfortable enough anymore. My pillow isn't soft enough.

I helped daddy at his office today. You used to do that. Every Friday afternoon you would put us kids in the back room and help dad.

Kind of a crummy trade for him. Having me and not you.

I don't know why dad still wants me to help him. I easily make 20 mistakes every time I'm there. Dad surely wants to hit my head against a wall or something, but he manages to just smile and say, "It's okay. Everyone makes mistakes."

I give up. Your anniversary is about over anyways. I'm just glad it's the end of the day. I hope you got my point. I should go to bed and try to pretend that I'm trying to get some sleep tonight.

-Grayson