Break me

A

July 23, 2013

Dear mom,

I don't know what to say to you. I don't know what to say to you. I always knew what to say to you, but now I don't. Why don't I know?

I think you know. I know why too. And you know why I'm crying right now.

Here is my favorite memory with you. I wonder if you remember it. Well I remember it. I remember it so so well. And I remember you. You.

I think everyone else was gone that evening. Dad, your other children, they were all gone. I think they went to some volleyball game. But I didn't like the crowds there. I didn't like all the people that were always there at those games and neither did you. At least I think you didn't, but I guess I never really did know what you really thought.

So it was just me and you. Eight at night. It was dark out, and you had already closed the curtains. I was just a little girl. I was probably only seven years old. I was so so young. It was just me and you that night.

 After everyone had left and after you had safely locked all the doors, it was just you and me. I got all of your attention. You got out the ice cream, and you got out my favorite kind. Green mint chip. Well, it was my favorite at the time. You wouldn't know this, but now my favorite is orange twist.

Orange twist is really good; it's like sherbet and vanilla ice cream mixed together. I know you would love it, really love it. I know because you always had a sweet tooth. But green mint chip ice cream was always your favorite. It was your absolute favorite.

 After we stuffed our faces with ice cream, we just laid around in the living room. I think I may have read some book, and you well, I don't remember. I was only seven; I don't remember everything. Actually, I think I read some Nancy Drew book because I was obsessed with them at the time.

 And this is my perfect memory. It's perfect because of you.

I like it because of you. I remember we were just laying there in the living room. I remember I felt like I had nothing to worry about, and I could lay there forever. Forever. It was just you and me forever.

I should have known that would be the last time I didn't have any worries.

I know you felt the same way too. I know you did. Well I felt so good. I fell asleep there, and I'd say that was the first time I ever fell.

You carried me to my room and tucked me in. You know that I loved being tucked in by you. I loved it. I loved it so much.

 But now I'm sitting here, and I'm drying out. You somehow left me out to dry. Dry dry. Bone dry. As dry as dust. Dryer than dust.

Well my eyes aren't dry, but I am. My eyes aren't dry at all.

 Tonight I went on a bike ride with dad. I hate bike rides, and I hate being outside. You might have known that though. It was just me and father. I went with him so he wouldn't go alone.

I had just stepped out of the shower, and my hair was still wet. I didn't want to go on a bike ride, but I did go. See mom, I actually did something that I didn't want to do. Did you ever do something that you didn't want to do?

I was wearing my pajamas. Remember those light green milk and cookie pajama pants that grandma and grandpa gave me? I think I was eleven when I got them. They gave them to me for Christmas. I remember because that was the last Christmas you ever spent with me. Last.

You should remember that. I sat on your lap during the entire gift exchange. You even helped me unwrap the gift box. Wow, I miss sitting on your lap. I'm seventeen years old, and I still miss sitting on your lap. How crazy is that?