Break me

K

November 2, 2013

I was just sitting in class, and suddenly my hands got freezing cold. My hands never really get that cold, at least, not as cold as everyone else's. It's a terribly weird thing to notice, isn't it? How did my hands get cold?

Mom, I recently realized my problem. Ooo, it's like a revelation! But seriously, I have found out what my problem is.

So, you should probably ask, which problem? Yeah, because I have a lot of problems, but I'm talking about my biggest problem. I just didn't know what it was.

I had a big problem, and I didn't even know what it was. I just blamed you and said you were my problem, which is a problem in itself. Why would I blame my dead mother? That's just so unfair. I'm not right by saying you're my problem.

My problem was that I hated you. Yes, I hated you; I'll admit it. During the past four years, I hated you so so much. I hated you because you died, and I hated the way I felt after you died.

 I realized that I had been spending like every single day imagining what my life would be like if you were still here. I hated my life. I hated how nothing could go back to how it was. I hated how it was.

 I can't even describe how miserable I was, but i hated you for it because if you hadn't died, I wouldn't be so miserable. Isn't that a problem? Isn't that terrible? I said I hated you; what's wrong with me? Isn't that just so terrible?

Yeah, I'm the one who did ramble on and on about what a great mom you were and how you had a scar on your stomach because of me, so how could I hate you?

 Just so you know, I don't hate you anymore. I'm feeling better now. Finally.

 See, there was nothing good about you dying, but there are somethings that wouldn't have ever happened to me otherwise. Ugh how do I say this? I don't know how. What I'm trying to say is that when you died, I was forced out of hiding and had to try to find who I was. I didn't know how, and I was terirified and scared out of my whits.

I did.

I don't hate you though. I've been feeling better than I have in a long time.

You did scar me. I hate swimming. I hate my birthday. I hate some of my favorite foods now. I even hate Christmas time because it all reminds me of you. I am not a hateful person; there are just things that remind me of you, and they hurt me.

But I like new things now. So it's okay. It's not okay that you scared me, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life yelling at you. I want you to know how I feel. Who knows if I can forgive you? I don't know if I'm ever going to want to visit your grave. That place is the coldest place in the world, even in 100 degree weather.

Your death messed me up and set me back, but I'm finally ready to move on now. I'm not just hanging on and moping. Be proud of me.

You're still special to me, and I still love you.

Grayson