Break me

we're all made of nothing until we become something

Dear God, why do you allow me to succeed in certain things in my life and then completely take everything away from me in another part of my life?  WHY?

I'm sorry if I sound like a brat, but really, I'M NOT SORRY.

You let my mom die.  And did I hate you for it?  No.  No I did not.  (Maybe I don't read my bible everyday, but seriously, that isn't a justifiable reason to let my mom die.)

And you let me get head lice.  Really.  That's like a plague you struck the Egyptians when the Pharaoh disregarded you and disrespected you and dishonored you.  YOU LET ME GET STRUCK WITH A PLAGUE.  And did I hate you for it?  No!  I didn't!  Because I love you and you made me and I thought you had my best interests in mind.

You let me endure two years of middle school and four whole years of high school on my own.  You never let me know you were there for me if I needed help.  You never cheered me on or gave me a consolation prize for being so brave.  (I'm very reward oriented, meaning I do better at stuff if I'm going to get something good out of it.)  And did I hate you during any of it?  No.  I may have been frustrated, but I never hated you.  I did the best I could with what I had and tried as hard as I could do to everything you would have wanted me to do (even though there was no sign you were even paying attention).

I fought through school, the loneliness, the lice, my mom dying.  All because I thought you'd be so proud of me for not giving up on myself.

And for a while, it seemed like you might have finally noticed me.  Like, you did let me get all of those scholarships.  I know you had to have helped me because I'm not smart enough to win stuff on my own.

But now, it seems like you don't care anymore.  Like you're ready to take a break from babysitting me.

All I want is for us to be friends.  

And I don't want it to be me walking around saying we're friends and you're great when really I'm not sure myself and filled with more doubt than anyone else around me.  I WANT TO KNOW IT.

Yes, I need to see a sign.  Okay, maybe not a sign, but I need to see SOMETHING.

I'm sorry I don't have any 'faith'.  Please don't be upset with me.

No more plagues, no more dying people.  I'm trusting you to help me.  Please.

Love, me