Break me

XII

Dear mom,

Today was my last day of high school. I really couldn't be more happy that it's over, and somehow it feels so weird that I'm graduating, even though it isn't happening how I originally planned and how you said it would.

You used to home school me in elementary school, and you used to tell me that we would have a big home school graduation party and that you would always be there to support for me and cheer me on. Then it changed to you would be there . . . if you were able.

I'm not going to lie. It's disappointing that you're not here to see this. This is the one big moment of my life that you were always waiting for. Your little child growing up.

And you're not here for it.

But to be honest, I've learned a lot more things that you couldn't have taught me. I see colors brighter,and lines look straighter because I know more.

I know more, and I understand more, and I remember more. Remember, always, always, always remember.

The other day, I realized that I now think in first person. I'm not sure how far back, but I used to always think of myself in third person. It was almost like my mind thought it had taken over my body and thought it was someone else's body.

I don't even know when I stopped, but I don't think it was very long ago. I love thinking of myself as me, I, and myself. I love thinking that I'm healing because I don't think of myself as a third person.

This may be a mouthful because I still have problems that I'll probably never entirely get over, but I love me. I love graduating and moving on in life and doing things that I never thought I would be doing because they seemed so far away from me.

And you had such a small role in me getting here that you can't even take any credit at all. It's all me. Maybe yes, you did give birth to me, and yes, you tried to be a good mom, but you failed. Even though I wish you hadn't failed, you didn't. I'm the one who succeeded. I really wish you could be here though.

Grayson