Break me

listen

i graduated. you weren't there, but you will never be there for any important event in my life ever again.

which is too bad because it was amazing.

i couldn't see the stage very well from my seat, but that was okay because I was busy smelling my flower and staring at my fingers. it had just occured to be that my fingers were quite a bit longer and thinner than i had ever remembered them to be. just an observation.

the whole day i just kept thinking one thing. that i wanted to be at peace with myself. that i didn't want to hate myself at all.

and i think i did. feel at peace with myself, i mean. for a few few moments, when i was walking across the stage, all i was thinking about was not tripping on my heels and keep smiling and remembering to shake the right hand. i have to tell myself to smile. but i wasn't at conflict with myself at that moment. that moment was actually one that me, myself, and i all wanted to be at.

 you weren't there to see me smile. you weren't there to see me touch my quilt. that's what grandma gave me for graduating. a professionally quilted quilt made out of embroidered blocks that she and i had done. well, i had started but never finished.

i really should have just let her embroider all of them. it was pretty easy to tell which ones i had done. mine looked terrible next to hers.

i'm sure no one can really picture me sit down and just embroider anymore, but i remember doing it all the time when i was little.

i touched the blocks i had done and the ones grandma had done, and i wondered who was the person that had tried to embroider my blocks. she certainly wasn't me. but that had been before i was broken.

i always thought graduating changes people, but that's not true. people change themselves.

Grayson