Break me

L

November 4, 2013

I'm tired of saying dear mom this and dear mom that. So I'm not going to do it anymore. I actually hate writing letters. Believe it or not, letters to someone else have never been my thing.

Do I even seem like the type to write letters? What's the point in this? Why do I do it? Oh yeah, because I hate cancer, and I miss you, and I have a million things that I need to get off my chest about you.

So, I got something from you yesterday. It's funny that after you've given me so much that there's still more to give, and that you can still give something, even after you've been gone so long.

You gave me so so much of yourself. It's gotta be hard to think of something that you didn't give. Actually, you gave me this a long long time ago, and I'm still reaping from the benefits of it. If you can call them benefits. I like the word suffering a lot better, but that is just my cynical opinion.

 You gave me so so much of yourself though, that it really isn't any wonder that I got this too. You never really controlled what you gave; you just gave it all.

 Okay, I'm done beating around the bush. You gave me cold sores. I shall not say that you gave me herpes because then it would sound like you gave me an STD, and you didn't. But you did give me your cold sores.

 I know that you used to get cold sores ALL THE TIME, and dad told me that you never had any qualms about kissing your babies, whether you had cold sores on your lips or not.

 I know as a fact that cold sores are very contagious, so thanks a lot mom for sharing yours with me. I really totally wanted you to give me yours. I'm being cynical again.

Thanks to you, I get cold sores ALL THE TIME. ALL OF THE TIME. It was bad. For a while, there would be more time of the year that I would have some on my face than time that I wouldn't. It was bad. I guess when I was little, I'd touch them with my fingers, and when I started high school, I started getting herpes on my hands. Cold sores are like a disease.

 I would get em along my fingers and knuckles and palms, and it really really hurt. All because you kissed me. YOUR FAULT. Completely yours.

 If it makes you feel any better, dad finally felt pity for his little girl. Now he gets me prescription cold sore medicine. It's great.

If I had known that there was like that out there, I would have gotten it a long time ago.

 Have you ever had a cut that healed in a day? Ever had a cold sore that healed in a day? No, not without the right medicine. If only there was a medication for everything.

 I know that my little sister gets cold sores too because I see her with them. Just so you know, you caused her hurt too. Thanks for the cold sores mom. That certainly is one way of making sure your kids won't forget you.

Anyways, I ran out of prescription, which is why I thought of your gift in the first place. I woke up with two on my lips yesterday. One on my upper lip, and one on the bottom. They really really hurt. Like a thousand needles. And they make my face look bad.

 Maybe it's because of the horrible cold sores on my face that Chris didn't want to talk to me today. Do you know who that is? Yeah, the guy I like.

I think my little sister and I are the only ones you gave herpes to. Even dad doesn't get them. Lucky.

Okay, I just screamed for no reason at all, but after that and letting myself out in this weird letter that you will never read, I feel a lot better. I guess I just had a bad day today.

That's okay, right? It's okay to have bad days.

You know, you gave me a lot more than your cold sores. I hate cold sores so much, but I don't mean to sound like an ungrateful brat. They'll heal eventually. You gave me so much of yourself.

This is just one in a million of things that I have to say to you.

 Grayson