Break me

X

I don't want to do anything. All I seem to do is fail and I'd rather fail than do anything else again.

I'm not sure if I have ever met the qualifications of a terrible day, but I feel terrible.

 There is red food coloring in my fingernails and stained on my hands from the two hours I spent trying to make a blob of cookie dough look like a larynx for anatomy. I stood infront of the sink for five minutes watching the red coloring from my hands turn the water pink. When the b l o b was done baking, I took it out to discover the whole thing had collapsed c o l l a p s e d collapsed C O L L A P S E D

i          s tood       there   staring at the    pile of crumbs  and for    some   reason    felt   worthless

Realizing   that two hours of    MY    life had   gone    wasted and    nobody cared     or  would   care    or even    notice and   i had   failed    and i     was       further               from    where i                            started.

and i didn't want to do anything to remind me of my failure but i can't ever not do anything because     i'm always    breathing   and thinking      and pumping   blood   and being alive is something that forces me to do something

which reminds me of something my sister told me. she said i had no life. i wondered how she knew that. how does she know if i'm really just a robot stuffed full of metal how does she know for sure i'm not alive does she wish i wasn't alive?

maybe       she meant     i am     nothing     but    failed     cookie     crumbs.

this afternoon she asked if i wanted to go to some graduation parties with her and i couldn't believe she asked. is she saying that she wants someone who isn't even existing alive (really just existing like you) like a ghost to go with her? she thinks i'll go somewhere with her after she calls me a butt and ditches me. no. i don't want to be with her

i can't stop thinking how the red food coloring looked like blood but it wasn't really blood

i can't stop thinking how my little sister said i am mean and then my older sister wants me to go to a stupid movie with her that i don't want to see but i can't say no because then it would prove that i'm mean. but really, i am mean

is there any point in hiding that i'm mean

i don't want to go to a movie. i don't want to do anything. anything a n y t h i n g

i'm not hungry

hearing people talk about graduations made me think of you and i always imagined graduating but i always imagined graduating with you there cheering for me and being so proud of me. but you're not here and you're not proud of me and it seems like i'm going to be graduating without you and i don't want to. because it seems like i'm failing but it seems like i'm going to have to. i must be getting good at failing

please i don't want to be mean

It's weird. I don't want to do anything, but I really want to go to your grave right now and stand there for an hour. I want to show you the red on my hands and the blob of crumbs that I failed at making into a larnyx.

I would go right now, but somehow I'm the only person in this family who didn't get a car, and the cemetary is about thirty miles away and dad wouldn't be happy about me wasting his gas. But know this, if I could, I would go today.

Grayson