Break me

XXXIX

I hate her. I really do. And I'm tired of people saying I'm being judgmental. I hate my dad's girlfriend so much.

Today: father was irritable. I hate it when he's like that because I'm always the only one around, so I'm the only one to listen to it. and it feels like I'm getting yelled at.

Tonight: I knew my father was going on another date, so I suggested he take his girlfriend to see a movie and maybe take me along with them because I have really been looking forward to this movie coming out. Plus, I really wasn't looking forward to spending another evening by myself. I'm only really tolerating this girlfriend because I want my dad to be happy, but isn't it ridiculous that he's going on dates so he doesn't have to be by himself, but then when he does, I'm left by myself? I don't know why I can't ever come along. I knew I wouldn't be allowed to come along tonight anyway. really. I've tried to suggest a lot of things where me and my dad go do something fun with gaye, and she always shoots my ideas down. sounds like fun, but not today. maybe some other time. can't. im busy. I can understand being busy, but busy doesn't really count as an excuse when you're still finding time to go on dates with my dad twice a week. You just don't want me there. So fine. I knew I wouldn't be going to see a movie tonight. I knew that even before my father got irritable and made me feel bad.

Later this afternoon: my brother wanted me to go to the mall with him to pick out some shoes. I knew he only really wanted me to pick some out because he had this buy one, get one half off thing, and I guess it makes him feel better about buying shoes if he's getting some deal out of it. Fine. I need some new shoes for school anyways. That was actually one of the fun parts of today. Buying shoes. I think buying stuff in general makes me feel better. Which means what I really need is to buy a lot more stuff. But I hate feeling expensive. I hate it when dad tells me how he's a hundred short on cash to pay his credit card bill. That makes me feel bad when I asked for new clothes. Clothes that I kinda do need. And it also makes me feel guiltier when I ask about that car I need him to buy for school. That car that grandma keeps saying he'll never ever get me. why does she have to keep saying that? so whatever.

Later tonight: I honestly was feeling really bummed about mostly everything that had happened to me. How no one is responding to my texts, getting yelled at, etc, etc. So I thought, you know what, family is always there for you, and I still have plenty of family to turn to, right? I knew my brother and two of my sisters had to work tonight, but I knew the other one didn't. I know me and her don't really get along the best, but I thought just once maybe she too would be tired of dad putting his girlfriend first. I'm so tired of being by myself and doing nothing every night and going to see that movie I wanted to see would seriously cheer me up. no, I'm not lame enough to go by myself. that would be pathetic. So I asked her if she would like to go with me. And guess what. She said no. But I'm not mad because of that. I understand we don't have any free passes to go. And I understand 8 bucks is quite a bit for a movie. But I just thought that for once, it would be nice to have someone give up a little bit. I mean, money really isn't all that important. Money is only good for what it can buy, so why not give up a little bit to do something with me? Dad spends more than that on his dates each night, just not on me. But whatever. It's fine. Just know that next time, I'm not going to want to do anything with you when you won't cough up eight dollars for me.

So, do you understand why I hate her?

In case I wasn't clear enough, I hate he because my dad is putting his girlfriend first. He's making her more important to him than me. And she's letting him. And I don't care if you think I'm feeling sorry for myself or pouting or whatever. It really really hurts. and it would hurt you too, if you were in my shoes.

I do not care if you think I need to try to go and make more friends. Because seriously. Family is always supposed to be there for you. That's one of the things you taught me, mom. 

And do you know what else you taught me? When you died? Mother, you taught me that family is extremely overrated.