Break me

V

April 18, 2014

Mom,

I'm so sick of just existing. It seems like all I do is be here and be there, and nobody even notices that I'm here.

I don't know how I ever got to this point of not being noticed and just existing and not feeling, but I'm tired of it and I don't know how to fix it. Is this what you felt like when you died? Not really existing but knowing that you did and feeling like you didn't?

Honestly, I'm kind of wondering if it's normal for me to be spending all of my nights at home alone while the rest of my family is out working, making friends, partying with boyfriends etc. I know it's not okay, but I think it's because I can't let go and I don't want to move on and I never want anything in my life to ever change. But everyone else is changing, so I'm by myself, getting that much closer to tearing myself apart.

I donated blood this week, but it wasn't anything like I thought it would be.

I'm not a spoild brat like everyone thinks I am. I'm lonely. And I really don't ever get what I really need. But I thought, somehow, if I gave something from my heart, I would somehow prove I had a heart.

I rarely feel anything, but watching red come out of plastic tubing come from my arm almost convinced me that you can be the most heartless person in the world and still have a heart.

My final product was this purple bag of blood. I wanted to touch it, to feel the air bubbles and blood cells. I wanted to personally take it to the hospital and personally give it to someone and put it in their veins and see how it made them feel.

Blood proves that I'm alive. I have no idea if it will make someone else feel stronger, but I hope it does because that is honestly one of the few things that has been in my heart for a long time.

The next two days, I felt really tired and weak, and I wondered if that is how you're supposed to feel when you give something from your heart to make someone else stronger. Weak.

Or maybe I'm fine physically, but I'm not feeling very well in my brain. My whole body could be dying from brain sickness, and I'm only feeling weak because that pain is demanding to be felt.

Grayson