Break me

W

Mom, today I went with my brother to get my new license. I know you do not care, but I'm turning eighteen in a few days. I know it's nothing to you, but it kind of is a big deal to me.

After you died, I was desperate to grasp any little part left of you that I could find. I even asked dad about your Last Final Parting words. I know. Desperation does weird stuff to people.

Do not worry. The wise man did not tell me anything. He said he didn't really remember, just that you loved all of your precious little children. From my father's version of things, I came away with the picture of you mumbling softly, "I love you, family," then drifting off into eternal sleep, while daddy and grandma sat there, thinking you were only just sleeping until the nurse came in and calmly told them of your passing.

However, I spoke with grandma as well, and she told me everything that you said. Apparently, you were worried about the extra costs of the hospital and ambulance. And, apparently you were worried about my bratty, mentally deficient, older sister getting her drivers license. I had been hoping that you has mentioned me in one of your last breaths before death; I wanted proof that my mommy actually cared that she was deserting me.

 They say that only around ten percent of everything you worry about ever happens. And there must be some truth to that because none of the things you worried about were really a big deal.

Your life insurance covered all of your big medicine and doctor bills. And although it took my sister like fifty times, my grandmother made sure she passed her stupid driving test. I can't understand why you would waste your last living moments worrying about that. Honestly, I'm disappointed. I had hoped that you would have said something long lasting and profound. You could have at least quoted Shakespeare or something.

What really gets to me, is there you were, in the last moment of your life. It was probably the biggest moment of your life to do anything. It was your absolute last chance to prove to me and anyone else who you were and show that this wasn't what you wanted. And you used it to worry about my sister's license. My sister's.

WHAT ABOUT MY LICENSE? What about ME having to take drivers ed and having to pass MY drivers test? Drivers ed was really really hard. Thanks for worrying about that. WHAT about ME having to go to high school?

You didn't protect me from anything. You didn't even care.

I've tried not to hate you because you're dead, and I don't want to soil your memory. And of course, I have to love you. I do still love you, but I don't think I can exactly say I like you.