Break me

Letting go while holding on

Dear mom:

I haven't given you much thought lately, but I've been doing better than I ever was.  

I'm almost 22 now; we just celebrated another Christmas, and I hardly noticed you weren't there anymore.  What have I been doing for the past two years? I've been letting go.  It felt like the whole universe was screaming at me for the longest time to let go of everything, but that was only because I needed to hold on to what was important.

I was about ready to give up, when I met someone.  He saw me for me and never spent a day of his life being fake for anyone.  He got sick whenever I did and always held me tight whenever someone did something to make me feel cold.  He chased away my ghosts

And maybe he'll never be perfect, but I wish you could meet him.  

It's been a crazy year.  I've spent a lot of it dividing love and hate with trust and forgiveness.  I've discovered a few things.  I can't forgive someone and trust them at the same time.  Neither can I love and hate them at once.

I lost my best friend, but then I realized she wasn't worth keeping.  I lost my grandma this year too, but no matter how much I want her to come back, I can't change it.  That's the difference between friends and family.  Friends can brush you out of their lives whenever they want, and you can't stop them.  But you can then forget about them too.  But grandma was just like you.  I grew up with her, and I loved her.  But she had to die, and I'll never get to see her again.

My cat died this year too.  It's weird how someone can be there one minute and gone the next.  All so quickly.

I hate death.  I hate it so much.  I hate how living beings can just be torn from your life and no longer be there anymore.  But that's how it is.

It doesn't matter how much I cry about it.  I've wiped more mascara stained tears on my boyfriend's shoulder this year than I care to think about.