Break me

How it feels not to feel

I don't feel. I can honestly say I don't know what it is like to feel because I think I might have stopped feeling entirely.
I realize I haven't been spending much time feeling happy nor miserable. I'm exactly the same all the time. Indifferent. Not really caring.

I can't even feel angry anymore. People wil make me mad, and in my mind, I'm thinking, yes, I am mad at this person. But then I'll be changing the topic, not really completely caring if I just got insulted or something. Is it a curse that I cannot make myself feel anger, even if I want to?

I'm never particularily happy either. People can do wonderful, delightful things for me and expect me to be happy and smiling, and then they're disappointed when I'm not. It's not that I don't appreciate everything anyone does for me because I do, and I'm sure if I was a normal person, it would make me happy.

But the world is wrong. They think I should be smiling, like smiling doesn't cost me anything. I hate it when people smile like smiles are for free and take nothing out of them. Because they do, for me at least. Smiling takes something from me, possibly the happiness that I'm not even feeling. So there's no point if smiling when I'm not feeling happy.

Although, possibly, my problem is that I do have feelings; I just can't feel them.

I happen apparently to be rather close (apparently because I can't feel if anyone likes me so I think they don't but then they do and it really confuses me) to someone who cuts. I honestly can't understand what that's about though.

Actually, I used to think that people hurt themselves because they thought that they couldn't feel anything anymore, so they cut their bodies so that they could at least feel some pain. And I don't understand because I don't think cutting your skin would give the desired feeling of hurt.

I say that you hurt me all the time, and I know that you did because I used to feel hurt and I can still see the hurt you caused me.

That's why I don't get cutting. I've fallen, sprained my ankle, skinned my knee, etc, and in my opinion, it didn't hurt enough. Yes, it hurt a lot and I cried, sometimes on the spot, but that pain always went away, and it healed. And I don't think true pain can heal and stop feeling hurt and just magically go away unless some real miracle happens to it.

Also, I hate blood. I hate thinking it's inside of me, and whenever I wish I could get rid of all of my blood, I realize I would die. So I'd rather keep all of my blood inside of me where I can forget about it entirely. I don't want it to be trickling down my arm because I cut it because that would be like a constant reminder that I do have blood inside of me.

In the back of my head, I know that if you have blood, you have a heart, and if you have a heart, that means you can feel.

I sometimes can't sleep because I can't feel, and I get tired of not feeling.

So I can't get mad or happy for feel hurt. And I know. I know that it should feel great not to have so many mushy feelings all the time. But it doesn't. It doesn't feel like anything at all.

To be logical, I must be a Vulcan.