difficult | calum hood

06

The next morning, I look like something that someone has plucked out of a landfill. Dark, tired bags hang under my eyes, I'm wearing no makeup and my hair is pulled into a messy ponytail. It's obvious I've been crying most of the night, but I don't care. 

My best friend probably hates me and I can't look at Calum without feeling guilty. 

"Woah, you look like shi-"

"Yes Luke. I'm aware of that." I interrupt the light haired boy as I enter the kitchen, sighing and grabbing the chocolate cereal from the cupboard. "Being healthy gets boring." I mumble, pouring myself a large bowl of Coco Pops and filling it to the top with milk. 

"No, you just look different, that's all." Luke corrects himself, and I scoff, walking away from him and taking a seat at the table. "Hey, Zoe? You were with Calum yesterday, right?" 

The mention of his name makes me freeze, my spoon wobbles in my hand as I give a quick nod, glancing around nervously. 

"Did he seem, upset by anything?" Luke asks, sitting down opposite me. I cock my head to one side, gesturing for Luke to continue. "Like, I'm sharing a room with him and last night he didn't sleep until like 3, maybe after that. He didn't even change out of his clothes. It was weird. And worrying." 

I shake my head, slowly taking a mouthful of Coco Pops and looking down. "I kind of yelled at him. But I was upset and I just- ugh. Everything just caught up with me and I realised how unfair it all is, and everything just got too much, and I took it out on him which is even less fair. It isn't his fault, it's not even my own. There's no one to blame. Obviously I could've changed a few things, but I couldn't change everything." 

Luke stays silent, before looking up to glance at me nervously. "You don't make sense." 

"No. I don't." 

"What happened?"

What did happen? What happened between getting in the car with Calum and arriving at the supermarket that made me completely forget about my best friend? 

"I guess I'm just a crap friend." I mumble, about to stand up but Luke catches on and instantly grabs my wrist. 

"You know, Zoe, sometimes we get weird feelings for people we can't have. Someone we shouldn't have. That's okay. You're allowed to like people, you're allowed to make mistakes, you're allowed to completely screw up, because you know what Zo? Everything always works itself out. If you fall out with someone and they leave your life, then maybe they were never supposed to be there. If you love someone you can't have, maybe you're supposed to bend the rules. 

Maybe we all are. Maybe there all no rules. Maybe life is for living, not following routines and planning everything, and doing what others want us to do. Maybe we should think less and act more, maybe we should go out, be alive. 

I'll tell you one thing, if you love someone, don't let them go. Because if they're really yours, they won't leave." 

I find myself staring at Luke after his big speech, his words sinking in, but also, shocking me. "Are you alright Hemmings?" I question, narrowing one of my eyes at him in confusion.  

A big wide grin spreads across his face, his dimples deepening. "I'm just perfect, Irwin." He leans across and whispers something in my ear. "Because you like Cal." 

And it's true. I do like Calum. Probably more than I should. But is there really a limit? Why is there amounts and limits and restrictions? 

"Yeah, I do. I always have." I whisper, and it feels good to finally get it off my shoulders. The phrase 'a weight being lifted' is so overused, and so under-exaggerated. It's not just a weight, it's all the weights, it's bricks and stones, metal and rock, houses and cars, wrestlers and monuments, hammers and furniture, my mind suddenly just lightens, knowing that I'm finally not having to keep something like this to myself, other than my sister, no one else knew. 

It has to be just then that Ashton and Michael walk through into the kitchen as well. Luke's eyes meet mine, before looking down at the table and he attempts to hide the smirk forming on his lips. "Mornin'," he chuckles, quickly glancing back up at Ashton and Mikey. 

"Yeah," Michael says, sitting down on one side of me. 

"Where's Cal?" Luke asks, looking at Ashton and trying not to laugh. 

"I don't know, I think I heard him crying. Worried 'bout him." Ash answers, sighing sadly. Luke's eyes are slow to meet mine, and I look down, also worried. 

"I hope he's alright." I mumble, which makes everyone look at me. Shrugging, I look up and my eyes meet Ashton's. "No one deserves to be sad." I say, placing down my cereal bowl and glancing between the three boys. 

"Let's just have a movie day today, make him feel loved." Michael suggests and I grin at how much these boys care for each other. 

The other three murmur agreements and I decide that I've chosen the perfect day to wear no makeup. 

Author:

 this sucks I know. I've got something better planned for the next few chapters. 

I just sat and planned out the next 35 chapters, so I'm hoping that'll make me quicker at updating. 

Thanks for reading xx