difficult | calum hood

18

How do you tell someone you're scared of being with them? How do you admit that they're all you've ever wanted, but you're absolutely terrified to do anything about it? How am I supposed to put my thoughts into words, and my fears into actions? 

I lie awake every night for the next week, thinking about Calum. Most of me regrets making the decision I did, but my brain knows it was the right thing to do. 

Surprisingly, being 'just friends' with Calum turned out to be a lot easier than I had suspected, we talk everyday, we smile everyday, and we act just like normal. 

But do friends steal glances from across the room? Do friends hold hands under the kitchen table? Do friends have nightmares about not being together? Is my heart supposed to leap out of my chest every time he smiles at me? Is it okay for him to hug me every night before we go to bed and whisper things into my hair? 

"We're friends." I whisper as I brace myself for yet another day with Calum. "Just friends. Only friends." 

I stare at myself in the mirror, convinced I've done enough crying over him. 

I'm wearing a pair of high-waisted frayed denim shorts, a really cute halter-neck blue and white gingham tank top and white leather block heeled sandals. My nails painted to match my shoes. My hair falls in long waves down my back, delicate silver and pink eyeshadow sparkles my eyelids and my highlight is on fleek, if I do say so myself. 

 I make my way downstairs, collapsing on the couch beside Luke and sighing. "I wanna go out today," I whine, and Luke throws his arm around my shoulders. 

"Alright then. We'll go out. Where to?" He asks in reply, giving me a light squeeze. I shrug and lean into him, shifting my weight slightly so my feet are tucked in Mikey's lap. 

"I heard they reopened that arcade in the city." Ashton suggests. "You know the one we went as kids? And they added an ice rink downstairs." 

"No way, I was so pissed when they closed that." Luke exclaims, moving his arm from around my shoulders to clap his hands once. 

"Yeah, I've never been ice skating." I shrug, standing up. 

"What?!" Calum and Michael ask in unison, turning to look at me as I head towards the kitchen. "How?" Calum continues, standing up as well and following me. 

"I don't know, it's not something that's very high in demand in Australia." I chuckle, pouring myself a glass of lemonade. 

"We all did it at school." Calum teases, leaning against the counter beside me. 

His presence makes me so happy, but it's not how I'd like. 

So here's the problem. It's with everything in life, and I'm pretty certain it happens to most people. We build up an image in our head, our perfect hair, perfect makeup, perfect night, perfect boyfriend, perfect life. When reality fails to reach our expectations, we blame ourselves for it. We hate ourselves because it didn't go to plan. 

So here's how to look at it - when you're in the forest, do you think every single plant, bird, and stone was placed and grown perfectly? Do you think the hills were formed after being planned and measured? Were trees thought out and drawn before growing? 

Do we grow a forest with an image in our head of how it should look? No. We let the forest grow in its own way, and when it's full of life and sun, we stand and look at it. And we love it for the way it turned out. 

We don't plan nature, and yet it's regarded as beautiful. 

And maybe that's what's wrong. Maybe nature is beautiful because we don't plan it. 

***

"Zoe, you have to let go." Ashton chuckles, grabbing my waist as he skates past me and pulling me along with him. I stumble and trip forward, clutching his hands for support. Luke glides beside us, zipping up his hoodie and spinning in a little circle. 

"Ugh, I can't do this!" I groan as Ash pushes me from his arms into Luke's. "Can't I just sit out?" 

Luke crinkles his nose up and shakes his head, looping his arm through mine. He pulls me around the small ice rink a few times, before giving up and pushing me to Calum. "She's useless at this." He mutters, winking cheekily at me. 

I blush ridiculously as Calum's hands land on my sides to steady me, Luke definitely knew what he was doing by passing me to Cal. 

"I'm just cold." I whine, gripping Calum's huge bicep as I wobble a bit. "I'm not used to ice and the whole building being freezing, especially in the summer." 

Calum rolls his eyes and slips his hand in mine, his fingers linking with mine. My fingertips brush over his knuckles and he tightens his hand. "Come on, you can do this. It's just like roller skating." He pauses and giggles, lifting his shoulders slightly. "Remember the summer I first moved here? And we used to roller skate to the public pool everyday?" I give him a short nod, which he uses as a chance to pull me closer into his side. "It's just like that. Except on ice." 

He pushes off one foot then other, pulling me beside him. I copy his footwork, still stumbling a bit but definitely picking it up quicker than when Luke and Ash tried to teach me. 

"You wanna try without holding my hand?" Calum whispers, and he almost looks sad. I'm quick to shake my head, holding his hand tighter. He grins and spins me in a circle, which makes me laugh. 

Ashton

I watch Calum and Zoe as he spins her around on the ice before pulling her into a hug. She automatically hugs him back, her arms comfortably finding their way around his torso. They stand together like this for a few seconds, before she pushes him lightly and he stumbles backwards, falling onto the cold ice. 

"Oh! That's cold on my butt!" He cries out, laughing his head off. In one swift motion, he grabs her arm and pulls my sister on top of him. She lands in between his legs, her chest pressed to his. 

Their lips are dangerously close, and for a second I can tell they want to kiss. But something makes her slowly look away, turning her head to the left and tiredly pulling herself to her feet. 

I don't know how I feel, I know Calum would take care of her, but she's my little sister. I don't really like when she's with anyone, let alone one of my best friends. 

It's not that I don't trust him, but it's almost that I don't trust myself to be okay with it. 

Luke turns to face me, his face a mixture of awkwardness and happiness. "You alright Ash? You look a bit pale." He smirks, placing his hand on my shoulder. 

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Mikey and Calum share a look, both of them grinning. 

There's something that they're not telling me. 

Calum

She almost moved in slow motion as she fell into me, her body landing in between my legs. Her long hair flowed behind her and she grinned down at me, our noses brushing against each other slightly. I pout my lips the tiniest bit, wanting nothing more than to kiss her right there and right then. 

Her eyes are purely magical. They're like this greenish hazel colour, and they seem to sparkle when she tilts her head certain ways, they hold so much depth and beauty. I could stare into her eyes forever. 

Before I know it, she's moving away from me. My chest feels empty and cold without her on it, and I slowly sit up, my eyes meeting Michaels. 

He smirks at me and I blush, grinning back.