difficult | calum hood

40

I don't leave my bedroom for the next few days, I break into my left over Christmas chocolates on the first day, eating them all until I'm throwing up into the toilet in my bathroom and mum has to come to clean it up. The second day, it takes me three hours to even get out of bed, before I cry all afternoon and watch sad movies all night.

I haven't seen Ashton since he left, and I haven't seen Calum since we broke up. 

Even just remembering that makes me feel sick and my chest feels heavy. I suddenly feel sick, and lie back, holding my forehead with one hand and whimpering loudly in pain. 

"Knock knock," a quiet voice whispers from the door, and I look over with my eyes half closed. "Do you need someone to talk to?" 

I look at Luke and stay quiet, unsure if I want to speak to him or not. My heart pangs at the thought of hurting someone else, so I let him and curl up in my bed, which he awkardly perches on the end of. "Yeah?" I shrug, and he closes his eyes. 

"Zoe, this is killing Calum." He whispers, "he  hasn't been out of bed since you, um, separated... you're the same that way." 

I fight off a smile. 

It's bad isn't it? It's bad how, the mere thought of him hurting as wel comforts me, makes me realise that I'm not alone. 

"Zo?" 

"Hmm?"

Luke looks at me and shakes his head, smiling just a little bit. "You're getting better, you know? This isn't always going to be like this. One day you'll look across the sea, and you'll think of Calum and you'll remember everything but it won't hurt. One day you'll fall in love again, and one day, Ashton will come round and everything will go back." 

I stay quiet, because I know it's true, I know I'll get over him. I know it'll take time, but there's light at the end of my tunnel. 

"Ashton hasn't officially quit yet, which I suppose is alright. Although, after saying that, I haven't seen him sober in 3 days." 

The air hangs heavily, my breathing slow and shaky. Luke slowly stands up and walks to the door, looking over at me one more time before leaving and exhaling deeply, making his way down the corridor. 

Catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I groan and roll over, hiding my face in amongst my pillows. 

Nothing I think seems to stray too far from the topic of Calum or Ashton, and the more I think about it, the more my chest heaves every time I breathe, the more my heart breaks. 

***

The next day, I force myself to wake up at 5am, and go out for a run, something I've never done before in my life, but something I feel might help. I run until I can't feel my legs, I can feel my stomach rising and it burns to breathe. I keep running until every memory of Calum is miles behind me, and after a while, it gets easier.

I've never been a runner, but I'm confused at how easily I manage to run so far. I think the aching in my legs is nothing compared to the feeling in my chest, and the pain of the breakup overpowers that of running. I check the time on my watch, as I had left my phone behind. It's almost 8, and I'm pretty much lost.

Wherever I am is busy considering it's still pretty early, and I stroll along the street slowly, taking in my surroundings.

There's an old scruffy bench outside a well decorated hair dressers, and I sit down. My legs immediately thank me, and my breathing begins to slow down. I look over my shoulder into the hairdresser's and twirl my blonde ponytail around my fingers carelessly. I remember trying to teach Calum to curl my hair, and my heart immediately pangs, to which I'm up on my feet instantly.

"Hello Miss, do you have an appointment?" The receptionist asks, looking at the computer, confused. I shake my head and glance around. It's nice in here, cool and clean.

"No, but I was hoping there would be space today? I really need my hair cut."

The girl - her name tag reads Grace - nods and looks back at the screen.

"I mean, the only space is right now, if that's okay?" I nod and tell her it's perfect.

She types my name into the computer, after I'd told her, and she runs off to fetch one of the hairdressers.

A woman with long wavy emerald-coloured hair enters the room, tying an apron around her waist. "Hi, I'm Lucie. Please take a seat." After I've sat down, and she's draped the cloak around my shoulders, she asks me what I want and I gladly tell her.

When I leave the store, my old long blonde hair is gone. My wavy locks used to fall down my back, landing just below my waist. My hair was a light blonde, and it looked pretty fake sometimes.

Now, my hair is thick and straight, and sits just on my boobs. There's a darker, ashier colour underneath, and is now a much more natural shade of blonde.

I'm obsessed.

I'm proud of myself for not crying yet today, so I treat myself to an ice cream and sit in the square, watching the sea.

Every time I look up, there's a girl on the other side of the street, staring at me.

Eventually, she stands up and walks over to me, her hands shaking a little bit. "Excuse me? Are you, um, Zoe? Zoe Irwin."

I nod and put on a smile. "5sos fan?" I smirk, shaking her hand. She sits down beside me, and I realise that she's older than I had first thought.

"Well, yeah." She blushes and twirls her phone around. "I'm Alice."

She's got dark brown hair, really dark. It's thick and straight, with her eyes a dark brown to match her hair.

"Do you want a picture?" I ask, gesturing to her phone, she smiles and nods and we quickly take a picture together. "How old are you?" I ask, and she pushes up the sleeves of her open flannel.

"17. 18 next month." She replies and we stay talking for a bit longer, getting to know each other better. "I've seen pictures of you and Calum a lot-"

She doesn't even finish her sentence, I instantly start crying when his name is mentioned, my heart breaking all over again. I lean forward and hide my face in my hands, shaking. It's clear Alice is in shock, as she stays quiet and sits beside me awkwardly.

"I'm sorry, I-" I gasp, wiping my eyes and whining in pain, looking at her apologetically. She shakes her head and smiles weakly.

"It's fine, don't worry." She whispers. I smile shyly and sob.

"Would you like to meet the boys one day?" I ask, and her eyes light up, making me smile. 

Me and Alice exchange numbers, and I trust her to keep things private. I dont stop crying, there's still tears streaming down my cheeks as a I catch a bus home and collapse in my bed, not leaving my room until I need the toilet later that night. 

Author : it's almost 6am I'm have to get up for school in a half hour but enjoy this, more soon!