difficult | calum hood

27

"I just, he was my boyfriend and-" 

I can't listen to her babble on about how badly I treat her any more. 

We've been on the phone for almost an hour now, and it's mainly just been her ranting at me about how crap I've been treating her.

"I just can't believe the nerve you would have to-"

"For gods sake Hollie." I cut in, and she's immediately silent. I can only begin to imagine how angry she is right now. "Why don't I get a turn?" 

"What?" She hisses and I begin to regret what I said. 

A deep inhale and exhale should (hopefully) fix my rapidly beating heart. "What if I like him? What if I always did? What if, every night I lied awake wishing I was you because I liked Calum so much? What if I liked him from the moment I layed my eyes on him? What if it's been six years of watching him happy without me and now I may finally have a chance to patch things up with him and I don't want to blow it? What if you decided to be smart and leave me the fúck alone? Just because I spend time with him doesn't mean I appreciate you any less! When will you understand?!" 

I'm probably talking too loud, breathing too fast, worrying too much, but whatever. It feels so freaking amazing to finally have this off my chest. 

"You..." Hollie is quiet, but not silent. "You, um, what?!" 

"Shīt Hollie! I'm sorry-" 

"Whatever. I need to go now." 

She hangs up. 

Her last sentence, the way she spoke it, she didn't sound angry, but upset. 

I can't help but feel like maybe I've gone a step too far, and this probably isn't what Luke meant when he said I should 'work things out'. 

"Hey little sister," Ashton distracts me, his head poking around my bedroom door. I turn to face him and smile half heartedly. 

"Hey," I sigh, sitting down slowly and looking into his eyes that match mine. 

"You seem tired." He observes, sitting beside me and pulling me in for a hug. I lightly hug him back and smile into his neck. He may be a pain, and he may get in the way, but I do love my brother a lot, and I'm so incredibly proud of him. 

I love spending time with him, and it's rare that I get to spend time with him, so I vow to myself that I need to spend more time with him this summer before he leaves again. 

"Hey, I'm not allowed to be tired?" I tease, pulling out of his hug and shoving him backwards. He laughs his annoying yet cute laugh and shakes his head, quickly sitting up so he can push me back like I did to him. 

I scream and erupt into laughs, my shoulders shaking as I do. 

"No, I want to know why you're tired." Ash giggles, lying back beside me. I don't know what it is, but something tugs on my heart as he says this. 

"Ash..." I whine, hiding my face behind my hands and blushing. 

Spending time like this with my brother makes me wish I could tell him about Calum and me, but I know deep down that as me and Calum are just beginning our relationship, this would not be a good idea on any level.

"Whatever." He sighs. He laughs but it sounds forced, and behind his laugh it almost sounds like he's hurting. 

I find myself alone by the sea that night, maybe thinking about everything, or maybe just trying to block it all out. 

I haven't spoken to Calum since we almost slept together, in fact, I've probably been subconsciously avoiding him. It's not that I don't want to see him, it's just that ater talking to Ash, I can't bring myself to look at my boyfriend. 

The guilt is slowly building up inside of me but I'm going to keep fighting it as long as I can. 

Author - 

omg omg omg I'm sorry it took so long I went on vacation with my family on like this 6 week roadtrip sorry sorry 

If you don't know yet; check out my brand new shiny, kinda sad (oops) Calum story called Smile. I'm really proud of it and it's not moving too fast (even though it feels like it). 

Also, I've got a non-fanfiction story that I'm working on but that won't be published for ages. 

I'll be keeping this story as my main priority and Smile as my second. 

Also, I'm going back to shorter chapters but more often.