difficult | calum hood

15

that gif ^ !!

When I wake up the next morning, I can't shake away the guilt from yesterday. From yelling at Hollie and kissing Calum, I feel absolutely terrible. 

Well, I feel bad. Terrible is maybe a bit of a stretch. 

I told my best friend to go to hell, and then made out with her ex. 

My stomach flips at just the thought of kissing Calum, and it kind of sinks in that it really happened. Even though it's made me a crap friend, I finally kissed him. It finally happened. 

And he said he liked me. He likes me. 

Oh god, I sound like a hormone crazy 13 year old. 

Even though it was probably one of the best experiences of my life, it still makes me feel a tiny bit guilty, and I shouldn't feel guilty every time I think about the way his lips felt on mine. 

As far as I'm aware, no one else knows, and I'd like to keep it that way for now. 

***

"Morning Zoe," I'm greeted by multiple people as I enter the kitchen that morning. I smile and wave, heading to get some cereal. Calum comes up beside me and hands me the milk, his hand brushing over mine very slightly. 

"Good morning." He whispers, smiling at me happily. 

That smile could kill me it's so perfect. "G'morning." I reply, nodding appreciatively  at him and pouring the milk into my bowl of cornflakes. 

He lowers his head and voice, placing his hand over mine. "Can we talk?" 

I can't bring myself to look in his eyes, knowing that as soon as I do, I'll give in to myself and want to be with him. "Yeah, later." I mumble, picking up my bowl of cereal and taking it over to the table, sitting in between Luke and Mikey. 

Luke's eyes meet mine before making their way to Calum. "What happened?" He mouths, before disguising it by shovelling some food into his mouth. I don't know how to tell him without someone else seeing, and quite honestly, I'm not sure I want to tell him. 

I look down and smile smugly, blushing crazily. 

"Zoe?" Michael nudges me and gestures to my smile. "Something up?" 

I grin and stand up out of my chair, giving him a quick hug. "No, no, I'm just happy." 

"It's her hormones again." Ashton explains, and Calum's eyes shoot up to meet mine. This time I allow myself to look into his deep brown eyes and the two of us try to contain our giggles. 

"Yeah, sorry about that." I chuckle, turning away from the guys as my cheeks heat up. 

Later, Ashton decides to take our mum, Lauren and Harry out for the afternoon and I say I'll stay behind with the boys so they're not lonely. 

I can use this as the perfect opportunity to talk to Calum. 

"Cal?" I stick my head around the door of the living room where Luke, Mikey and Calum are playing FIFA. He looks over at me and nods, placing his controller on the floor in front of him. "Can you come help me for a second?" I ask, smiling. He gets up to his feet and makes his way towards me, a nervous smile sitting on his face. 

When we're in the kitchen, he leans against the countertop and I jump on top of it, sitting beside him. 

"Yeah?" He prompts, turning his head to face me. 

I know he wants to talk to me as well,  but I have to speak first in case of hurting him. If he says the opposite of what I'm about to say, I'm not 100% sure how I'd deliver my news. 

"We kissed." I start, to which he nods and smiles. His smile makes my heart flutter, but I try to ignore those feelings. "But, I'm not sure I can, you know, do anything about it... Just yet. Calum, there's a lot I need to think about and-"

"Okay. Yeah. That's cool." He cuts me off and stares at the floor, his eyebrows furrowed together and his lips all pouty and adorable. 

I watch him try to hide his distress, by shuffling his feet around and crossing his arms over his chest multiple times. Just seeing him this uncomfortable makes me upset, and before I can stop myself, there's tears running down my cheeks. 

It's just the hormones and the fact I'm on my period, I try to tell myself but I know that this is only partly true. 

Wanting something for 6 years, and watching someone else have it for 2 is heartbreakingly difficult. Then, finally getting whatever it is you wanted lifts such a weight off your shoulders, that it's physically painful to watch him upset, and to know that even though we kissed, we can't be together. 

"I just need time to think." I mumble, and he turns to face me again, standing in between my legs. 

"Don't be upset, okay? I understand how hard this is. If you need time, I'll give you time." His face relaxes as he speaks, and as he leans across to wipe away my tears, it's annoyingly tempting to kiss him again. I don't, however. 

I nod and lean forward to hug him, which he gladly returns, wrapping his arms around me tightly. 

"Woah! What's going on in here? You both look like you've just been told the world's ending." Michael's voice is what makes me and Calum pull away from each other, and Luke coming up behind him and shooting me a questioning glance. 

"N-nothing. We were just talking." I say hurriedly, jumping down off he counter and pushing past Mikey and Luke. "I'll be in my room." 

Nothing is really ever all that fair, is it? You want one thing, you get another. You need something, you get something else. You'll say one thing, but be thinking something completely different. We all say we're fine when we're not. We all order something healthy because it's what our friends are doing. We all do what we think is right. And we all pay too much attention to the past and not enough to the future. 

*** 

Luke opens my door, smiling at me from the doorframe. "I was just wondering if you wanted to talk?" I nod quickly and he walks over to me, sitting down opposite me and crossing his long legs. "Is everything okay?" 

I sigh and lean forward, resting my head on his shoulder. "It depends how you describe okay." I mumble, letting the tears fall from my eyes. "Yeah, it's okay that I chose my best friend over a boy. It's okay that I'm insanely worried that Ash will find out about me and Calum. It's okay that I'll pretend everything's fine. But do I feel okay? No." I sniff and Luke wraps his arms around me in a brotherly way. "No, I don't." 

"Did you kiss?" Luke mumbles, which makes me realise he doesn't have a clue as to what I'm talking about. So I nod slowly, wiping a tear away to stop it from dribbling on to his t-shirt. "Don't worry about it. It may be hard, but I'm sure you'll work it out." 

I wanted to cry with Luke forever, he made everything sound so easy and reassuring. 

Well, that's a lie. I wanted to be with Calum more, but I wasn't sure I'd ever get that. 

Author : i woke up early and thought I'd publish this 

I never know what to write here lol