difficult | calum hood

17

Zoe 

Luke wouldn't speak to me the next morning. I could tell Calum was trying to be kind but it was just awkward, and even Michael seemed to be acting a bit strange. Ashton was the only one who was still acting normally, and it made me insanely suspicious. There was definitely something going on. Something Ashton didn't know about. 

We sit in silence for breakfast, and when I suggest going down to the beach, Ashton agrees and Calum gives a little nod. Luke and Mikey stay quiet. 

"Cool, I'll just go get ready." I say, using it as an excuse just to get away from the awkwardness. I rush upstairs and gather my beach stuff, changing into my bikini. 

When I come back downstairs, the boys are all chatting and laughing, but stop immediately when they see me. My eyes briefly meet Calum's, before he glances at the floor and then at Michael. We stand in silence until Ash grabs my elbow and leads me out of the house, the other three following us. 

I talk to my brother on the short walk down to the beach, still confused and slightly frustrated by the other three. They mumble stuff to each other as we finally arrive on the soft, white sand. 

I immediately dump my stuff on the ground and head to the warm blue water with Ash. 

I try to relax and have fun with him like I normally would but there's something stopping me. Nothing is really happening, I'm just floating around beside him as he chats away. Luke, Mikey and Calum are sitting on the sand, still fully clothed. 

What I had hoped would fix the awkwardness is only making it worse, the whole trip is dull and boring. I'm surprised no one has mentioned anything yet. 

Somehow, I end up sunbathing next to Michael. The boys had finally stripped down to their swim shorts, but no one except me and Ashotn had gone anywhere near the water. 

I was laying on the sand, and Michael was sitting beside me, he was staring at Calum and Ash as they threw rocks into the sea. It was when I had just sat up that Luke stormed over to me and crossed his arms on his chest. 

"Zoe. I need to talk to you." He snaps at me and I look at him in surprise. I've never heard him speak like this, he sounds angry and yet, confused.

"What about?" I whisper, standing up and wobbling a bit. He grabs my arm and turns around, rolling his eyes in the process. He marches me back up the steps, away from the beach, and out onto the street. I wince as my feet step over stones and gravel, not having any shoes on. Luke drags me over to a bench and slams his butt on the wood. I slowly sit beside him, now extremely nervous. 

"Luke, what is it?" I stutter, pulling my knees to my chest. 

He lets out a long sigh and turns to face me. "I thought you liked him? I thought it, and so did he. I could see it in your eyes. What happened? You kissed him and told him you liked him and then you left it? Zoe, he likes you too, okay? A lot. And all of this waiting around is very slowly driving him insane. He almost had a fúcking panic attack the other night, because he doesn't think you want to be with him, or something about you not liking him. Did you lie? Did you tell him you liked him when you didn't? What's wrong with you?" 

The words seem to spill from Luke and it's not what I expected at all. 

I'm speechless, left without anything to say, so I stay silent. 

"Oh my god, Zoe, if you-"

"Shut up!" I suddenly snap, closing eyes tightly and sighing. "Shut up. I don't want to hear it. Yes, of course I freaking like him. I've liked him since I first laid eyes on him when I was 12. I liked him when he dated my best friend. I liked him when he moved away. I liked him when he was a total dick and broke my best friends heart. And most of all, I liked him while he was kissing me. I liked the way his lips moved with mine, and the way he made every single problem disappear. 

I really like him, Luke. And I'm so scared of hurting Hollie, or Ash. And I'm scared of tearing the band apart, and I'm scared of losing my best friend, and I'm scared of your fans, and I'm scared of the press, and I'm scared of everything." Tears threaten to fall down my cheeks but I bite my tongue and hope they'll go away. 

Luke stays quiet, and I think he regrets getting mad at me. 

"Luke, I promise, I didn't mean to upset Calum. I honestly needed time. But I've come to a decision," the tears suddenly fall from my eyes. "And, I," my voice cracks, and I look away sadly. "I don't think I can do this." 

"That's okay, Zo, take your time if you really need to." 

"No, Luke. I can't be with Calum. It's stressful and complicated. And I'm going to lose too many people, including my brother." 

***

"Cal, can we talk?" I mumble, and he looks up at me. He follows me to a spot on the sand away from everyone else, and I grab his hand. 

"Yeah," he sighs. He knows what's coming. He can sense it in my voice or my eyes, but in his own voice there's still a little bit of hope and I hate myself for doing this. 

"Calum, I do like you. But-" 

He closes his eyes and screws them up in pain. 

"I'm sorry. It's too difficult. What with Hollie and Ashton, it would be so complicated. I'll always remember our kiss. I'm sorry." I say quietly, squeezing his hand. His eyes travel across the sand beneath our feet, his breathing so slow it's slightly scary. 

"Friends?" He whispers, barely audible. 

"Of course." I sigh, pulling him for a very awkward hug.