difficult | calum hood

16

Calum 

I'd thought that by admitting that we liked each other we were agreeing that maybe we could try a relationship. I'd thought that since Hollie and Zoe have fallen out, she'd realise that me and her should be together. 

When she said that she needed time, I understood, but also, it killed me inside. After kissing her, I feel drawn to her. My body craves her's, I need her touch, I need her around me. Every night, I fall asleep thinking of her. I dream of her, and I wake up with her on my mind. She is my first and last thought every day, and all day everyday I think about how it would feel to have her in my arms, to kiss her late at night, to tell her how I feel, to fall asleep not only thinking about her, but with her. 

And then, everyday, I see Ashton and I'm filled with guilt because I've been thinking of his sister this way. 

"This movie sucks." Zoe says from the other side of the room, where she's lying with her head in Ashton's lap. 

Suck my dick. 

 For gods sake, this is getting out of control. I can't even contain my own thoughts anymore. I exhale and grab a cushion, placing it over my crotch nervously. 

"Oh my god," she sighs and in my ears, I hear it as a moan. 

Calum, calm down. 

My fingers are trembling, sweat forming on my forehead. Everyone else laughs with her, but I'm left sitting in a world of my own, trying to control my breathing. 

I want to know if I'm her constant thought like she is mine, does she dream of me like I dream of her? 

The more I think about her, the worse my sweating and crotch situation get, until I'm panting heavily for breath.

 I jump to my feet and run. 

I'm confused and worried, worried about how my feelings for her suddenly got so incredibly intense. Confused about how she can be so happy while I'm so lonely. 

I don't even excuse myself, I just run upstairs and into me and Luke's room, slamming the door behind me. I groan and pace back and forth, running my fingers through my hair. 

Frustration takes over me and my footsteps get heavier, my fingers tugging harshly on my hair. 

"Calum what the hell?" Luke throws open the door and shuts it calmly behind him. 

I storm around in circles, removing my hands from my hair to clench them into fists and tighten my whole arm. I could feel the blood pulsing through my muscles, my heart beating in an out of control manner inside my chest, my breathing quick and rapid. 

"Cal?" Luke whispers, and I let out a groan as I turn to face him. 

"Luke- I, I can't! She doesn't even care! I don't know why I try. She told me she needs to think but I haven't seen her thinking! I don't understand how she's so happy but she's all I can think about! Luke, she's everything in my brain, every word, every joke, every laugh comes from the Zoe inside my head!" I pause and pant, resting one hand on the wall to prop myself up. "Oh god, I just, I like her so much. I like her more than I ever liked Hollie and I dated her for two years-" my breath catches in my throat and I cough for air, gasping and clutching my chest. "Luke- I, I can't breathe." I gasp, spluttering and collapsing to the floor. "L-Luke," I'm crying now. Tears pour down my cheeks, the rest of my body trembling. Quick, short, gasps escape me, my body desperate for air. 

I hold my head in my hands and shake, the tears running off my jaw and dropping into my lap. 

"Calum, take a deep breath, okay?" Luke sits down opposite me, placing one hand on my shoulder. "Breathe, and try to relax." 

I hiccup and cough, shaking my head in frustration. I've never felt like this before and it was frightening me. Scaring me so much I couldn't breathe, scaring me so much I couldn't think. 

"Calum," Luke whispers, holding my wrists and pulling my hands away from my face. "You need to try," he looks into my eyes and nods supportively. 

I let out a sob and take a deep inhale, relaxing for a brief moment before erupting into cries and gasps as I exhale. 

"Try again." 

I cough a few times and lie on my back, shutting my eyes and inhaling slowly. My exhale is jittery, but I manage this time, sobbing a few times but relaxing a lot more. I repeat this until my breathing is back to normal, tears still falling down my cheeks. 

"That's better," Luke sighs, patting my knee awkwardly. 

We stay in silence for a while longer, before he starts speaking again. 

"What did you feel when you kissed her?" He whispers, and I stay in my position on the floor, grinning up at the ceiling at the memory of her lips against mine. 

"It was like magic. It was like Christmas. It was like performing to thousands of people in the summer, with our families in the audience and a massive after party awaiting us. It was like that moment that happens when I perform and I look up from my hands on my bass for the first time and I see the audience, and it really hits me that we made it. It was like hearing our fans singing along to our songs, it was like eating too much sugar in the summer. It was like when you smile too much and your jaw hurts. It was fireworks and explosions, and my heart felt like it could implode any second but I didn't care. It burned my stomach, whilst it did backflips and somersaults. Man, Luke, I can still feel the fire on my lips just from thinking about it. 

 Luke, it was everything that's good in the world all rolled into one. It was too insanely perfect and I didn't want it to ever end." I sigh happily and sit up quickly, my head spinning slightly. I wipe away the remaining tears from my cheeks and grin sheepishly at Luke. 

He stares at me for a few seconds before pulling me into a tight hug, his arms crossing over  the back of my shoulders. "Cal, you're making me tear up." He whines, and sure enough, when he pulls away I notice his eyes have gone glassy and wide. He quickly chuckles and wipes them, looking back at me and blinking a few times. 

"Awe don't cry Lukey," I tease, nudging him playfully and making him roll his now dry eyes. 

"Oi, you can talk." He shoots back, chuckling and pushing my shoulder lightly. 

***

I'm in the basement, practising one of our songs vigorously, sweat beading on my forehead. My hands move up and down the neck of the bass guitar and I strum it with so much effort my hands are aching. I'm pretty certain my face is screwed up in concentration, and it may even be possible that the sweat has soaked through my t-shirt. 

I was probably disturbing the rest of the house, but I didn't care about that right now, all I cared about was using music as a way of letting myself de-stress and calm down. 

I hum along to the song, playing the melodies in my head and focusing on my bass part, a few lyrics escape me and I grunt loudly as the song finally comes to an end. 

I hadn't even noticed Michael standing in the doorway, his arms folded and a smirk on his face. 

"What do you want Clifford?" I joke, dropping into a chair and taking a long drink of water. 

"I want to know what's on your mind." He says simply, sitting down in the armchair opposite me. There's a soft smirk on his lips and I can see the possible reasons for my recent behaviour floating through his mind. 

"Well, you see..." 

I explain everything to him, from me and Zoe's trip to the supermarket to when she wanted me to teach her to play bass. From falling asleep together to almost kissing by the pool. I express all my feelings for her and finally explain how we finally kissed for real, and then talking about how we 'need time'. 

Michael's reaction is not what I expected, he just slaps me on my sweaty back and grins, saying he had recently realised there was something between us. 

It makes me wonder, if he can see it, can Ashton?