difficult | calum hood

08

A few days pass, we spend most of our time at the beach, or visiting the other boys' families. It's nice, it's easy, there's no arguing and no crying. We all get along perfectly, and everything just seems to work. 

Of course, good things always come to an end, and our peace was interrupted one Friday morning by someone which only made things awkward. 

We had just come back from an early morning trip to the beach and were sitting down for lunch, when the doorbell rings and Ashton runs to answer it. 

I glance across the table at Calum and wiggle my eyebrows, making him giggle and do the same back. 

"Zoe, uh, it's for you." Ashton says, walking back into the kitchen. His words seem forced, and I know instantly that there's something up. I nod and slip out of my chair, heading towards the front door, playing with my fingers nervously. 

As soon as I see Hollie standing at the front door, I almost turn around and go back into the kitchen. However, I tell myself to grow up and say hi. 

"So, um," she starts, and I step outside with her, closing the door behind us. "I honestly, overreacted. I mean, obviously, it's impossible for you to not spend time with him. But I guess, I was just jealous that you can still talk to him, you're so forgiving, and I, I didn't know how to deal with it." 

As I look at my best friend, I see her in a different way than normal. She's a liar, she hides the truth, and I don't know how to act around her. 

"You didn't tell me you sent nudes to other guys." I whisper, looking down. A sigh escapes her and she steps back slightly, crossing her arms. 

"It never came up." She says quietly, and I can tell that she's insanely ashamed of herself. 

"It never came up? You made me hate a perfectly sweet guy for ages, when it had been your fault all along?" I say icily, shaking my head. I shift my weight from one foot to the other and glare at my best friend. "How could you leave that out? We don't keep secrets, Hollie." 

The second I've said this I realise how hypocritical it is, as I've been keeping a major secret from her for years. 

"Well, not secrets like that." I quickly add, which attracts her attention. 

"What's that supposed to mean?" 

"N-nothing. The point is, I'm mad at you." I ramble, flushing. 

"Oh. Right, well, I'm sorry." Hollie mumbles, looking at me awkwardly, almost like she's scared of me. I give a short nod and begin to turn away, her gaze making me uncomfortable. "Do you forgive me?" She asks, grabbing my elbow before I can turn away. 

I look at her and shrug, almost crying. "I guess I do for getting angry at me. But, for the lying? I need time, Hollie." 

And with that, I open the door and storm back inside, quickly shutting it behind me. Almost as soon as I'm inside, I realise how melodramatic that was and sigh, making my way back through to the kitchen. 

Ashton is first to talk to me, instantly asking how it was. I reply with a simple 'fine' and sit down beside Calum. He shoots me a sad smile and I assume Ash told him it was Hollie at the door. ffrom my other side Luke nudges me and gestures to the food that is laid across the table. 

"You hungry?" He asks, and I smile at how normal he makes everything seem. 

I pause to think before slowly shaking my head. "I'm actually gonna go upstairs for a bit, maybe see you later for a movie or something." My words come out much sadder that I had intended so I force a smile to the four boys, pushing myself out of my chair. 

"Zoe?" Ashton calls after me as I make my way towards the stairs, holding a hand over my mouth, almost in tears. 

The problem is, I had let Calum get inside my head. He was my every thought, every dream, everything I thought about whilst I was bored. I had let him influence the way I act and the things I say around my best friend, I had let him wiggle his way into my brain after years of trying to block him out of my head. 

They say that nothing should come between true friendship, so if I let something do just that, does it mean that maybe me and Hollie were never destined to be friends for life? 

As I was talking to Hollie, I suddenly had the thought maybe life without her wouldn't be that hard, and that terrifies me. To one moment realise you don't need your 'best friend' is scary, and it's another thing altogether to realise that some people will leave your life, even if they had always acted like they would stay. 

I collapse on my bed in a whimpering heap, tears dribbling pathetically down my cheeks. 

I was now too deep in my own thoughts, overthinking everything. 

Hollie had always been superior in our friendship, she was always first to do everything, and first to get it right. She was first to get a boyfriend, first one to have their first kiss, first to get drunk, first to lose her virginity, first to move out. She would always get everything, she always knew she was right and as I lay here and think about it, is she really a very good friend at all? 

But hey, my brother's Ashton Irwin so who am I to complain? 

I have always used that as a way to sound better to Hollie, as shallow as it sounds. She'd mention where her family was going on holiday and start bragging and I'd just casually mention what award 5sos had recently won or where they had been asked to appear next. 

It was my little way of sounding like I had actually achieved something, but it also made me feel better, because every time I mentioned the boys, I was reminded how incredibly proud I was of them. 

And that's always a thought to make yourself feel better.