difficult | calum hood

43

Zoe

Weeks pass, people move on, old friendships can be re-kindled. Bags are packed, and life keeps moving. It didn't matter how much I missed Calum, or how much I wanted to be with him. The truth is, Ashton rejoined their band and the 4 of them had a tour to continue. 

I kept Calum at bay, not sharing two words since the afternoon he made up with Ashton. Me and Ash didn't talk much either, him and Calum seemed focused on rebuilding their relationship. 

It's a tuesday night, three weeks after me and Cal broke up. It's the day we have to say goodbye. Ashton, sits at the front of the car, and I get squeezed in the back between Harry and Lauren, who are both crying. I stare at the road ahead, not daring to glance at my older brother. 

The thing is, I'm so in love with Calum, that I just want get to the airport for a chance to properly talk, maybe. The boys are flying to America tonight to do a show in two nights, and I'm not letting them leave without talking to Calum. His car is behind ours, followed by Luke and Michael in the same car. 

We seem to arrive at the airport too quickly, not giving me enough time to prepare what to say. It's driving me crazy, I want to know how he's feeling, what he's thinking, is he thinking of me too? Will he even want to talk?

Ashton unloads his suitcases onto the hot concrete of the parking lot, as the Hood's pull up into the space beside us. Calum gets to talking with Ash and Harry, and I can't bring myself to speak up, not right now. Mali smiles at me but seems reluctant to talk, so I nod a little bit and cross my arms. Me and Lauren go over to talk to Michael, and Luke takes his mum to talk to mine. 

"Calum? Could you help take the bags into the terminal?" Joy asks, gripping Mali's arm, close to tears. Calum nods and places a kiss on his mum's cheek, rolling some of the suitcases towards the front door. One by one, people start helping and heading to the door, until I'm alone with Mum. 

"Are you going to talk to him?" She asks, looking at me sadly. I nod and look away, my heart pounding. 

"What am I supposed to say?" I mumble, licking my lips in worry. "Mum-"

"I'm sure you'll think of something. I can't tell you what to do." She picks up the last bag and heads towards the front door after everyone else. I think about it all the way until the boys are checked in for their flight and ready to say goodbye. 

In turns, the boys hug their parents, and siblings, and then each other's parents, and then Ashton is standing in front of me, pulling me into a hug. 

"I'm so sorry-" I start but he cuts me off. 

"No. I haven't been a good big brother this summer. I didn't think, I didn't understand, I'm so sorry. Can we put this behind us now? You're my sister, I'm not going to see you for 4 months, and you've grown up so fast so who knows where we'll be in another 4 months, and I don't want to say goodbye on a bad note." 

"I love you Ash." I whisper, hugging him tightly. "Do your best, okay? Do your best." 

He smiles and kisses the top of my head. "There's someone else you need to say goodbye to." he winks and walks away slowly. This is what I've been waiting for, and now that it's really happening, I don't know where to start. 

Me and Calum are left alone, everyone else pretending to be busy. "So..." He whispers, not looking me in the eye. 

"So?" I prompt, looking at his shoes shyly. My heart aches a little bit as he stays quiet. "Calum I don't know what to say." 

"Me either. I miss being able to talk to you." He sighs heavily and steps closer. "I miss you.''

"I- I'm still in love with you. Calum. I'm sorry, but I am. I don't know how to stop." I babble and he takes my hand. I've never felt this way, and I can't find a way to tell him. 

"I don't want you to stop." He says quietly. "You were the best time of my life-"

"Cal - you ready? We need to go." Michael appears beside us and looks at me, his eyes full of apology. "I'm sorry." 

Before I know it, Calum is walking away. He's being taken from me, tears running down his cheeks. I haven't said nearly half of what I wanted to, so I run. My heart rapidly beating, my breath catching, security guards shoot me glances, but I finally catch Calum by the back of his hoodie and spin him around. His eyes light up as they lock with mine, and he pushes his lips against my own. My stomach explodes, my head is full of bright, warm light. Our lips work together and I'm filled with passion and warmth. He holds my waist tightly and i tug on the back of his hair, pouring my heart into our kiss. My lungs are replaced with fire, and every time I take a breath, they burn passionately. 

His lips are soft, but chapped. It's an unusual feeling, but I become obsessed with it straight away.  I never want to stop. I think I'm addicted to Calum. 

My skin tingles as his large hands roam my back, making my insides happy. I grip him tightly and   pull his body closer to mine. He's completely pushed up against me, so much I can actually feel his heartbeat. His heart his beating just as fast as mine. 

"I love you Zoe." 

"I love you Calum."

"See you soon..."

We share a sad smile and I slowly turn back around to face our families, to see them all standing beaming at me. They may be happy we kissed, but I've never hurt like this, not even when we broke up. This is a different kind of pain. 

"Have fun, okay?" I call to Calum. He nods and grins, looking so much happier. 

***

When I get home that night, I'm unusually and unexpectedly happy. It's a feeling I haven't felt in weeks. While slightly annoyed I couldn't tell Cal everything, I've never kissed anyone like that. 

It's only when I reach for my phone from my pocket, that the crumpled piece of paper falls to the floor. With curiosity, I reach for it and unfold it. 

Dear Zoe,

I have so much to say, and so little ways to say it. There's no real way to start this, so here it goes. I love you. I'm so in love with you. I've never felt this way, ever. 

I won't see you for months now, so don't hold back. You could have so much. Find someone who can give you everything, publicly, someone who won't tear up your family. I say this, but the very idea of you with anyone except me makes me feel sick to the stomach. So promise me this, if you find yourself with another guy, stop and ask yourself - "is he loving me like Calum could?" if the answer is no, leave. I love you so much, more than I thought humanly possible. 

You're only 18, so go out and enjoy yourself. Meet new people, experience new things, have fun, and relax. If you can find it inside of you to move on and meet someone new - go for it. Just don't tell me about him when I visit town.  You deserve the best, and together, we became the best.

You made me a better version of myself, you made me fall in love with you, myself and life. I don't know if we'll ever be the same, but one day, you and me will work out. I promise. 

The sad truth is, we were unlucky. So terribly unlucky. 

I miss you. So fûcking much. 

I regret breaking up with you, I think we could've worked things out, but most of all I love you. Zoe, I love you so much. So so so much. My heart is breaking knowing that tomorrow could be the last chance I have to say that, and I might chicken out. 

You filled my life with a passion that I can never replace, there is no duplicate of that feeling. You gave me that feeling. 

I don't want to ever stop writing this letter because I have so much to say but I need time to think about how to say it, so one day, meet me for drinks? This isn't the end of us. 

I love and miss you, 

Calum xxx