difficult | calum hood

22

~ 3 Years Earlier ~ 

"Zoe! Zoe!" Hollie runs down the corridor, throwing the straps of her backpack over her shoulders. "Zoe, guess what?!" She's talking too loudly, people are looking at us. 

"What?" I sigh, grabbing her arm and pulling her towards our lockers. She bounces up and down happily beside me, swaying slightly. 

"Calum asked me out!" 

My heart plummets. I can feel the colour drain from my cheeks, and I try to avoid eye contact with her. "That's great!" I force, faking a smile and dumping my math textbook into my locker. 

"You don't sound very happy." Hollie sighs, leaning on her locker, which just happens to be beside mine. She pouts at me and gently pokes my arm. 

"Well, I am happy okay? It's just..." I look down and make a decision, one that could either make everything fine, or cause me a lot of pain. "I'm just worried about exams." 

That was my chance to tell her  how I feel, and I totally blew it. There's no way on earth she'll listen to me if I try to tell her now, she's now caught up in her own little Calum world. 

I shuffle down the corridor beside her, my eyes on the floor the whole time. We make our way outside to wait for the bus, Ashton and his friends already waiting on the wall. Hollie runs ahead towards them, and I trail after her, sitting myself down next to Mikey. The bus is late, and when it finally pulls up on the road in front of us, Cal and Hollie run ahead to get the seats at the back. My eyes meet Luke's as I quietly walk past, going for a seat alone. He offers me a smile, but I don't return it. 

Once we're home, Ash heads up to his room and I do the same. I feel so alone, and empty. I don't know quite how to deal with this information, and honestly, I want nothing more than to sit and cry forever. 

"Zo? You alright? Luke and Michael both said you seemed a bit off."  Ashton throws open my door and I jump to my feet. 

"Close the door," I whine, shoving him backwards. He pushes me back and slams the door, pinching the skin on my arm as he does so. 

"What's wrong?" He asks,  taking a seat on my bed and running a hand through his hair. I stare at the wall behind him, my eyes travelling across the pictures of me and Hollie throughout the years. There's one that was taken ages ago of me, her, Luke, Calum and one of our other friends. Something is telling me to take that photo down, and I know that if I don't, I won't be able to sleep. 

"There's nothing wrong." I lie, because I don't know what else to say. How would I start? What would I say? I can trust Ashton. But he'd just tease me for it, I know that. 

"Well, I think you should tell me the truth." He says sternly, placing his hand on my shoulder and looking into my eyes. I take a deep breath and lean forward, resting my head on his shoulder. The tears fall from my eyes rapidly and into his shoulder. Thankfully, he doesn't ask any questions, but rather, rubs his hand in circles on my back. "Sshh, Zoe, it'll be okay." 

"You don't even know what the problem is!" I argue, sitting away from him and rolling onto my front. His hand lands on my back but I push him away. 

There's a pain in my chest that I can't quite believe, it's heavy and strong. I can barely breathe right, and I can taste the salt from my tears. 

"Just remember I'm here okay?" Ash whispers, and something snaps inside of me. 

"No. Ash. You're leaving in a few months, do you have any idea how hard that is?! You're not ever going to be here. So don't say that." 

~ Present ~ 

The pain of watching Ashton leave hurt me more than finding out about Calum and Hollie ever did. Maybe it was because Cal and Ash were leaving, maybe it was because Hollie got to go too. Maybe it was because the four boys were leaving to do something amazing with their lives and I was left at school with people I didn't even like. 

Or maybe it was hard to let go of someone I'd had my whole life. 

Me and Ashton used to be scarily close, but as he was on tour we grew apart. Don't get me wrong, were still close, but there's something missing. I think a little part of me left with him when he let for the first time, and sadly, it never came back. 

Now, I'm so terrified of that happening with Calum, that a little part of me doesn't want to be with him. If I never have him, it'll be easier to let go. 

I don't want to grow apart from him, and our relationship would be complicated enough, is it worth the pain?

Author : I just woke up and it's five in the morning and I can't get back to sleep 

Someone send help