Diary of a Girl from Seattle

If Tomorrow Never Comes

Dear Diary,

Today was kind of rough. I watched someone die, unfortunately it wasn’t the first time I had witnessed that. Anyway I decided to shadow Alex today. He had a really interesting case and I wanted to see it up close. The patient was a woman named Annie and she had a tumor that had to be removed. Sounds like common practice but believe me it wasn’t. This woman’s tumor weighed 70 pounds! That’s more than a small child!

Alex was being extremely nice to Annie, which surprised me slightly since he always acts like a jerk. While the patient was getting a CT scan, Alex and I were in the adjoining room with the technician. Alex didn’t realize that the microphone, that enables the doctor to talk to the patient during the scan, was on. He started talking about how he didn’t know how anyone could live with themselves having a tumor that big. Unfortunately for him Annie heard every word he said. I was standing in the back of the room looking at the scans on the monitor, not even knowing what to say. How could he be so kind to this woman all day and then say something like that about her? I really don’t understand him.

Alex’s rude remark cost him this once in a lifetime surgery. Instead of scrubbing in and assisting he was sitting in the gallery next to me. I watched silently as the surgeons carefully cut, cauterized, clamped and sutured. I tried to take in every move they made and listen to their every word. It was fascinating to watch. I was mesmerized by the way a subtle move of the surgeons hand could complicate everything, and how they avoided so many possible disasters.

Then all of a sudden the entire surgical field was red with blood. She was bleeding out and fast. I was paralyzed by what I was seeing. I always pictured surgeons being calm cool and collected, but all I saw before me was panic. I barely noticed Alex get up and run out of the gallery. I was too concerned about what was happening in the OR below me to think about where he was going.

The next thing I saw was all too familiar to me. The terrifying flat line on the heart monitor, the heart wrenching monotone beep held out for eternity, the sights and sounds that signify death. Just as time of death was called for Annie, Alex Karev came running into the OR carrying blood, but he was too late. It hit him hard, and to be honest it hit me hard too. I hadn’t seen death since… well I don’t even want to think about it. All in all today was rough but I learned a lot. Until next time.

-          Mattie