Diary of a Girl from Seattle

Leave a Light On

Dear Diary,

A few days ago, Jo figured out that Alex wasn't in Iowa, he had never gone there. We didn't know where he was or if he was ever coming back. It was driving us all crazy, but it was hitting Jo the hardest. She's been staying with Link lately if that gives you any indication of how upset she is. Well, today I got a letter from Alex. I found out later that Jo, Meredith, Bailey, and Richard got them too.

Maya was up before me and she handed me the letter, not realizing how important it was. I sat down silently and began to read...

"Mattie,

I wanted to let you know that I'm not coming back to Seattle. I know you would've heard from Jo or Mer or Bailey, but I wanted you to hear it from me. As much as it probably doesn't feel like it right now, you're my family. I know I have Amber and whatever, but you were always more of a little sister to me. I watched you grow up from this annoying little kid (I'm sorry but you know it's kinda true) to this caring, intelligent, unstoppable force of a young woman. I'm so sorry I won't be there to see you finally become the doctor I've always known you would be, but I need to take care of my own little girl now.

I found out a little while ago that Izzie used our embryos; she had my kids. We have these two perfect kids, five-year-old twins, and I can only hope that I can raise my daughter to be the kind of kid you always were. I know that you're probably going to be even angrier that I'm not bringing my kids back to Seattle so you can meet them than you are that I left right now, but I can't. I can't go back, I can't go back to who I was before them, because they're my whole world now. Those little kids wrapped their arms around me and called me Dad and I was changed in an instant. I don't know how to explain it, but it happened. But I'm telling you if you ever find yourself in the middle of Kansas, please come meet them. See our farm, can you believe that? Me living on a farm?

Anyway, I know that you know I can change. You've stood by me for over a decade as I grew up into the man and surgeon I am today. You told me once when I was a resident that you looked up to me and I was terrified; I was never supposed to be an example for anyone else. It scared the crap out of me. But you know what? I stepped up. I became someone that can be looked up to, without completely screwing them up. And I have you to thank for part of that. Knowing that you were always there, loving all of us relentlessly, unconditionally, and wanting to be us, it challenged all of us, but especially me to grow up and be the person you needed to see. I'm sorry I can't be that person for you now, but honestly, I don't think you need it anymore.

You're the person that others are looking up to now. You don't need to rely on us, hell if anything, we end up relying on you most of the time. And that's another reason I had to tell you. I wanted you to know everything because I know you'll be there for Jo and Mer now that I'm gone. I'm pretty sure you already have been. But now that it's official, I'm going to need you to look out for them. Make sure Jo never forgets that she deserves all the love in the world. She deserves everything. And don't let Mer ever let up, or think for a second she's not as amazing as she is. And try not to let Bailey and Webber hate me too much. I know they put all this work and effort and love into making me the surgeon and man I am today, and I don't want them to ever think I don't appreciate all of it. And when you inevitably tell Arizona that I left, please tell her why.

And finally, I hope that maybe you can take one last lesson from me. I know that I've hurt people by leaving this way, and I never wanted to do that, but I had to do what was best for me, for my kids. You're always spending so much time taking care of everyone else, but make sure you take care of yourself too. You're going to be an incredible doctor, and I hope to god I get to see that at some point. I hope that I'll read about you winning some award some day and show my kids and tell them all about you. Maybe they'll even know you at that point. Because you've always been my family and you always will be. Even if you hate me right now, know that I'll always be cheering you on. Now go change the world.

-Alex"

I folded up the letter, wiped the tears from my eyes, and just sat there trying to process all of it. Maya slowly sat down next to me and asked what was going on. I explained that my friend had left Seattle, he gave me all the details in a letter. I was crying, yes because I miss him, but also because I'm so happy for him, and because I'm mad at him, and because I'm proud of him, and because I'm so touched by what he said. Just then, Mer sent me a picture of the envelope her letter came in, showing that it was from Alex. She said it explained a lot and I should meet her at the hospital so she could fill me in. I sent her back a picture of my letter, and told her I'd be there soon.

I knew I should be there today. I know it's going to feel weird walking around the hospital knowing that I won't see Alex there anymore, but I gotta rip the bandaid off at some point. Also I want to talk to Mer about all of it and hug Jo. I carefully tucked my letter into my backpack and headed out. Let's see how this goes.

-Mattie