Breaking The Grey [Book #2]

Chapter 8

North

Something about the way my fingers feel against my skin don't really make me tick anymore. I struggle to find a good sweet spot. Masturbating almost feels like it's a chore now. I should've took the sex with Allie all those times she wanted me.

If we had sex when she wanted she wouldn't be lying in a hospital bed. She would've been here with me, in our bed, her tongue buried deep inside me. We'd be having the time of our lives, but no. I had to reject her - of course. I had to be out of the mood.

All these years I yearned for her. Now when I have her I seem to not want her or I have a hard time showing it.

Now my hands don't feel good against my body. My insides are begging for heat, but my heart is starting to feel cold. My fingers rest on my vagina. They've been working all morning trying to reach at least a decent orgasm. I haven't had even the slightest bit of one.

I take a deep breath and try again. The tips of my sticky fingers move slowly. Every time I run over my clit I shudder slightly, but then the guilt comes back even stronger.

You don't deserve to be happy.
It's your fault she almost died.
Stop living in the past.
You don't deserve pleasure.
You're always out of the mood.

I try to beat it out of my head. Rubbing yourself shouldn't feel like you're pouring a ton of guilt down your throat. I should be feeling electricity. I shouldn't have room for any other thoughts, but that's the problem. I have too much room - too much emptiness.

I slap my hand down on the bed and accept my defeat. This is all my fault. Her pain is all my fault.

She can't know of the past again. I won't tell her how her parents abused her and how we were separated by default. This is my chance to forget the past like she wanted me too, before she stepped into traffic. I'll forget, for her. Maybe this way we never have to fight again.

~

"Well today's the day Ms. Millian, attempt number two." Dr. Stamos said while flipping through papers.

"Yeah, hopefully she doesn't go through what she did last time." I said.

We're in his office. I've been staring at his satin burgundy shirt for a while now. It's so nice and expensive. I know all the money he's getting from Allie's insurance will buy him plenty more.

It's Friday. The days where Allie and I are supposed to be home together. This is the first Friday in a while that things are different.

"Actually, I've been meaning to tell you that may happen quite often," He said. "Since she suffered a lot of head trauma, right now she's prone any sort of pain due to even the slightest amount of stress. Headaches will be a lot more frequent. Even a memory surfacing can cause some pain. She's very weak."

I sighed, "What if its too much for her? What's gonna happen?"

"If it becomes too much for her just come back to me. The worst that can happen is surgery if it turns out there's something wrong internally," He replied. "If not, she'll be prescribed pain killers because constant pain is something we need to avoid."

"Didn't you run a screening on her head when she first came in?"

He nodded, "Yes. We didn't find anything major. Just a concussion. I may decide to run another one though, before I discharge her."