little miss popular

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he wasn't here today

i hadn't talked to him since two days ago, after the incident of tears

my teacher asked me personally if i knew whether he had dropped out or not

i had to explain to her that i hadn't talked to him, and i didn't know a thing.

she looked at me really confused

she had realized the day before that something was wrong between me and him but she didn't dare say anything about it

also today, a girl in my class and my lunch table that i sometimes work with walked in class and asked if i was okay

(she later told me that she thought i was going to burst into tears in the middle of the classroom based on my facial expression)

i thought he had dropped out

but i really didn't know

so i sucked up some courage and texted him during class, asking if he officially dropped out.

he says:

"nah, ill"

he didn't really leave yet

he's just sick

i felt a flutter of hope, but i suppressed it

the problem is, he hurt me by making me feel loved and then backing away because of age

but i still love him

and he still makes me so happy

and i feel so upset without the constant texts

and i know that it's better for me to not try to salvage anything

i really want to at least be his friend

but i can't

i know that i'll just become reattached again and it will hurt even more (if that's possible) when he actually has to leave

so i'm constantly feeling conflicting emotions

and it's destroying me

i can't focus on anything

just him

and that's bad

and good

all at the same time

and i've also been wondering what hurts more:

expressing feelings after they've been flirted with

or just never saying anything at all and just sitting in silence (tøp😏)

i really want to know

is this the option of lesser pain

because it feels like more pain

i think it is more

my love and feelings were like, nurtured by him for a constant period of time

only to be shut down, pushed away, and crushed

wow

who knew one person could unintentionally start a war of feelings within me?

i didn't

but i'd like this to end

now

because i feel like i'm

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