little miss popular

•••

she didn't switch our seats

thank god

okay so believe it or not i've been very giggly lately do i just start giggling and i can't stop.

our teacher said "we're not doing this (having side conversations) today, we're gonna be quiet and work."

he mumbled "that's not what i'm gonna be doing. i'm gonna be jacking off in the corner of the room an-"

i started giggling and he stopped mid-sentence.

"why are you laughing?"

i was still giggling like an idiot

it wasn't EVEN THAT FUNNY i'm just really stupid idek

and he said "what's so funny about the reproductive system?"

i was still giggling

he just looks at me like i'm annoying.

"look me in the eyes"

i stopped laughing like an idiot and made eye contact

goD his eyes are pretty

and he tests me by saying "penis".

i started giggling again

but i stopped abruptly when i heard him harshly say "you immature fuck".

**************

later on in the class, a slightly popular girl that always flirts with everyone, started flirting with him.

"hey scary, did you have testing this morning?"

"yeah"

"aww we missed you."

"i love you too."

FUCK

he was probably semi-joking but my heart sank even more.

*************

i'm writing this chapter during lunch and i literally just saw this happen:

the flirty girl called him over to her lunch table

she said something and he leaned over her shoulder and whispered something back and everyone at the table laughed and he walked away smiling

but it was a flirty smile

a flirty exchange

is that what he wants?

idk

my friend noticed me staring at the whole exchange though

i can't help feeling upset over it

i'm just dumb, idk

*************

i don't think he likes me.

i think i'm just stupidly clinging on to false ideas and assumptions

and i need to let go

because i already know that no matter what happens, when he leaves, i'm gonna hurt

a lot.