little miss popular

•••

hi

i haven't talked to him in over 20 days

it's been rough

i keep forgetting about him and then all of a sudden, i'll see him or something else i see or say or hear will somehow make me think of him.

today's trigger was when my phone broke and i had to drive on a street that was his last name to get to the phone-"fixing" place

(which, btw, was unsuccessful, and i lost everything on my phone, including all of our conversations along with his phone number)

and i just watched one of buzzfeed's new videos where they asked drunk people about love.

one of the questions the people in the video were asked was:

'with your eyes closed, what do you see when you hear the word love?'

well i thought this question was interesting so i decided to do this as well, although i was not and am not currently drunk

so i closed my eyes

and said "love".

the first goddamn thing in my head was his smiling face looking at me, and i swear to god i have never felt more conflicted emotionally in life than in that very moment.

here's my problem:

1. i know, whole-heartedly that it's better for me to try to ignore him and move on, but

2. i can't, because i think i've realized that no matter what i try to do,

3. i think i loved... well, still love him, and that's not good, because

4. he doesn't love me back, and

5. i'm apparently too young for him, and

6. even if four and five were lies, he's still leaving, and i know for a fact that he wouldn't try to keep me.

as conflicting as all of these things are, everything individually is so clear to me, but it's driving me crazy because i think i actually love him but i honestly don't know because i'm only fifteen and even if it was love, and as happy as he makes me, he's not good for me.

why does everything have to be such a mess?

but, despite everything that's happened and everything that everyone tells me, i've decided that not talking to him is more painful than anything else.

"anything hurts less than the quiet."

that^^ speaks to me the most.

i think i've decided that i maybe possibly might potentially love him

and even if this is just "puppy love" that's "hard to ignore"

i'm going to stop ignoring him.

and honestly if i still had his number, i would probably text him right now, but i don't have a functioning phone or his number

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okay so don't kill me for song references thanks

i've been listening to lots of music lately and in almost every song, i can pick out a line that makes me think about him or positive/negative feelings for him.

sometimes i just kinda lose it mid-song and catch myself crying, but i'm not allowed to do that.

also i typed this on wattpad on my laptop for the first time, because i usually update from my phone app, but i can'T DO THAT WHEN MY PHONE'S BROKEN

(sorry i'm just really upset about it)