little miss popular

•••

it's been a week since he sent that text that made me cry

he's tried to talk to me in class, to have a conversation

yesterday he said "what's up fam?"

i didn't know if he was just trying to be nice or he was trying to make me feel better out of pity or he was concerned about my lack of contact

so i actually looked into his eyes, for one of those emotions and we maintained eye contact

i wanted to have a conversation so bad, to just get over it

i opened my mouth to respond, but i felt a pang of emotions in my chest; i remembered how i felt when he said that he was too old for me

tears began blurring my vision

i quickly shut my mouth, without a word, and looked down at my desk.

i felt like such a horrific person when i did that.

the thing is, no matter how much i really want to, i cannot allow myself to even be friends with him

because i know that i'll get too close again and become attached again

and he'll either step back again

or he'll stop because he's dropping out

and it will be more pain.

i am suffering.

all my feelings are conflicting each other.

i want him so badly, i love him

but i know that not interacting with him is the best thing for future me

and it hurts

a lot.