Until eternity

The kiss that hurt

I'm staring in the mirror in my "room" and I don't want to go out where Theo is. I can't believe he heard me singing. 

Most importantly why did he tell me not to stop. I take a deep breath, and check myself over one more time before I go out into the living room.

I find Theo with his head back slightly snoring, he must of fallen asleep. I debate whether or not to wake him, but I really don't want to leave him here like this.

I walk over to him and kneel on the couch next to him. I put my hand on his shoulder and whisper "Theo wake up" Theo, let's go home, I say. "Its been a long day."

He starts to mumble something and before I know it, he reaches up and puts his hand behind my head and pulls me down into a kiss.

I allow him to kiss me for a few seconds before I pull away yelling, Theo! What are you doing. He opens his eyes to shock, and tears begin to fall down my cheeks. I have my hand on my lips and before he can say anything I bolt out of my trailer, leaving him yelling my name.

I'm running towards the parking lot and I see Zoe getting into her car. I scream her name and make it to the passenger side.

Zoe: Shai! What's wrong? Are you okay!?

Shai: Just drive please! 

No sooner then we begin to pull out Theo comes running up behind the car and Zoe almost runs him over.

She rolls down the window and yells, "What the Hell Theo, I could of killed you. What is going on?

Theo follows along the side of the car and starts banging on the window and pulling on the door handle. 

Theo: Shai, please. Talk to me, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to.

I look towards the window, I put my hand on the glass and tell him to just let me go. I see the hurt in his eyes as he backs away.

Zoe puts her hand on me, and asks if I'm okay, and I scream at her to Just drive. She backs out and drives off. 

I turn to see Theo standing there looking defeated, and the tears just start pouring down my cheeks. Zoe puts her hand on my lap.

Zoe: Shai, I don't know what's going on, but I'm just gonna drive, and when you want to talk or go somewhere specific let me know. Deal?

Deal, is all I say, as I stare out the window. What was Theo thinking. Was he dreaming? Did he think I was Ruth? Did he mean to kiss me.

Why, why did I have to react the way I did. Now he definitely knows I have some sort of feelings for him. Most importantly why didn't I immediately back away.

I can still feel his lips on me, even though it was for only a short moment. It felt like something inside of me was woken. 

Lightning! It felt like it was just coursing through my body and I'm surprised I had the nerve to move away.

We are driving along the coast when I see a little seaside bistro. I tell Zoe to pull over here and we get down.

We place our order and I look at Zoe and she has worry in her eyes. She puts her hand on mine and asks me if I want to talk about it.

I go through the whole thing: me singing in the shower, Theo on my couch telling me not to stop, then him passed out, me trying to wake him, him mumbling words and pulling me in for a kiss.

Zoe, I totally lost it. It was like I realized the one thing I've wanted the most I can't have. The kiss its like it started a frenzy in me. 

I freaked out and started crying and ran from my trailer. I don't know if Theo planned it, or if he was dreaming about kissing me, or if he was thinking I was Ruth.

Look how cocky I sound, of course he was probably dreaming of Ruth. I mean she has been gone for a while now and well Hell he loves her.

He's a guy for god sakes he has needs! Zoe what am I going to do. I feel so close to Theo, like we are connected and no matter how hard I try to keep my feelings in, they keep coming to light. 

We fucken shared a bed! If that isn't wrong I don't know what is. Yes we didn't do anything, and yes I know he just wants to protect me but honestly I have no right to him that way.

I don't even know how he feels towards me. I mean we have talked here and there about being so close, but for all I know he means it in a brotherly way and here I am pining for a guy I know I will never have.

I don't want to lose Theo as a friend but it gets harder to be around him, you know. I put my hands over my face and shake my head.

We are almost done filming and maybe distance is what I need from Theo, but I honestly can't imagine a day without him.

Even if it is just friendship. I have gotten so used to him being right there by me, I honestly feel a bit selfish. I mean poor Ruth is across the globe and here I am spending all my time with her boyfriend.

Zoe comes over and gives me a hug. "Shai, I don't know what to say. I can't tell you how to live your life, or what choices you should make, but know this. You are a great girl, and Theo is lucky to know you. Hell we all are lucky to be a part of your life.

I'm sure it will be okay. You gotta talk to Theo, he looked heartbroken. I can tell he feels bad for whatever happened.

You deserve an explanation and he deserves to know how you feel about it. I hug Zoe and thank her for her advice.

We enjoy our food, and talk about what is next for us until we meet up again to begin filming Insurgent. 

I tell her about the movie that me and Ansel are going to be filming together, and she can't wait to see it.

We joke about how he is going to be playing my love interest, but its all in good fun. I'm glad she is distracting me for now.

I know I have to go talk to Theo, but honestly I want to put that off as long as possible. Who am I kidding I know Theo. He will be waiting till I set foot in that apartment.

We've finished eating and decide to head back to our apartments. I get a bit nervous and Zoe tells me it'll be fine. She tells me, if I need an escape I can crash at her place.

We head to the elevator arm in arm, not saying a word. As the elevator stops at her floor, she gives me a hug and tells me to be brave. 

We both giggle at that, it is what a dauntless would say after all. She smiles at me as the door closes and I head up to our place.

The elevator door opens and it takes all I have to force myself out. I'm standing in front of our door, but can't bring myself to slide my card to open it.

I tell myself to get it together, because if we don't talk about this now, we will have to eventually. I take one last deep breath and slide the card. 

I head in the apartment and all the lights are off except for one little lamp in the living room and Theo on the couch. 

I set my stuff down on the kitchen counter and walk towards the living room. Theo hears me and he immediately stands up and is facing me.

I walk over to him slowly and he is watching me intently, with worry on his face. I make it over to him and he is breathing nervously, and I just stare into his eyes, and he into mine.