Until eternity

Feels like home

We are staring into each others eyes, and all I can do is step foward and rest my forehead on his chest. He doesn't pull away, but wraps his arms around me and places his chin on my head

We stay like this for a good while, and I'm thinking of what to say, but no words come to mind. I can still feel his lips on mine and that is a memory I will keep with me always.

Sure I've kissed Theo on set and those all about broke me, but this time it was different. It was like the void I'd been feeling was whisked away. It felt like home....

I decide to pull away and head for the couch and Theo follows, I sit with my legs tucked under me and I stare out the window and the night sky and all the city lights. Its well past midnight now.

I feel Theo sit by me, and he reaches for my shoulder. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I turn to Theo and he is about to say something when I blurt out

WHY DID YOU KISS ME? He lowers his head and he looks defeated. I immediately apologize for sounding angry and he seems to relax a bit.

He doesn't say anything at first, and I'm getting a bit anxious. I put my hand on his and he smiles a bit but doesn't look me in the eyes.

I lift his chin so he is looking at me, I tell him I'm sorry for the way I reacted and that it just caught me by surprise and.....

Theo cuts me off, and tells me "Shai we both know that didn't catch either one of us by surprise." 

I turn away from him, and he immediately pulls my chin to look him in the eyes just as I did to him a minute ago.

I sigh and close my eyes for a bit before looking at him and asking,  "What is happening with us?" 

He lowers his head and doesn't say anything. I can tell he is finding the right words to say. Words that won't hurt me, words that will keep me safe.

I stand up and walk to the big window overlooking the city and say, "Theo, if I'm being honest here, I feel like we are getting to close for comfort. I mean you have a girlfriend. A sweet girlfriend, who I am glad to call a friend and I......

I can't finish the words because tears start to stream down my cheeks. I wipe them away as I stare out the window.

Theo walks up behind me and tells me "Shai, ever since the day I laid eyes on you during auditions I felt this connection with you.

I can't describe it, but like I've said before, its like I've always known you. Like if we have always been in each others lives.

I know when you are happy, sad, anxious. I feel this urge to protect you and always be near you. I don't know why that is, but its the truth.

I close my eyes as he pours his heart out to me..

"And when I pulled you in for that kiss, well I was dreaming, dreaming that I was kissing you.  Your voice is beautiful and when I was sitting there listening to you sing, it felt, it felt like I don't know I can't describe it. It was comforting, and in that moment I felt like I had been found. Like if I had been lost or something. It felt like...HOME.

I keep staring out the window and don't know what to say. The tears are slowly streaming down my face. 

Theo puts his arm on my shoulder and pleads for me to say something. I turn to him and lose it.

Theo, what am I suppose to say, or do with that, how can you say those things to me when you have a girlfriend. How can you tell me I feel like Home, when you have Ruth. She is such a sweet girl, and Theo frankly I'm disappointed. More so disappointed in myself, because I know we have a connection, and part of me can't disagree with you but, How? How can you say these kinds of things to me, when you have been with Ruth for so long. She is your HOME and I'm just.....

I try to storm off but he grabs me by my wrist. 

Theo: Shai don't walk away. Please I don't mean to hurt you. Please tell me what your really feeling. I need to know.

Shai: Theo, I can't, I don't want to get.....

Theo: Hurt? 

He is staring at me intently with a look of worry, and I can't help but get lost in those eyes.  He slowly and hesitantly lifts his hand to my cheek, and I don't pull away. In fact I lean into it and close my eyes. 

I softly whisper "Theo" and just as I am about to pour my heart out to him, someone rings the bell. 

I look towards the door, and Theo tells me to ignore it. They can come by tomorrow.  I shake my head and just as I'm about to speak again someone is banging on the door this time.

I tell him he better go see who it is, might be important. He is cussing under his breath, and turns and tells me not to go anywhere. I give a little smile, I could use a little courage right now. 

I decide I'm going to tell him everything. I don't expect us to become this great love story, but I feel if I get this off my chest, it'll be better. Let the cards fall where they may. 

I'm lost in my thoughts when I hear Theo, yelling "Bloody hell I'm coming because whoever is at the door won't stop ringing the bell. 

As he is opening the door he is yelling "Fuck what do you.....RUTH! I turn and look towards the door and I hear her.

SURPRISE BABY! Did you miss me? I step out of view and head towards my room.

 I quickly sneak in and lock the door. If this isn't divine intervention, I don't know what is. I hear Ruth walking towards the living room.

Theo: Ruth, um what are you doing here?

Ruth: Well I missed you to, thank you for asking

Theo: Sorry didn't mean to sound like an Ass, I'm just surprised to see you. I didn't think you where gonna be here for a couple more weeks.

A couple more weeks I whisper, Theo didn't mention Ruth was coming for a visit. Why wouldn't he mention that.

I hear Ruth say is Shai here. I can't wait to see her.  Theo, stumbles on his words, Yah yah she is here, she is asleep already, i guess, well I suppose. I don't know really actually.

Wow Theo, why you so jittery Ruth says. He gives her the excuse that he is half asleep still, and I just head to my bed. 

I get undressed as quietly as possible, and get under my covers. And for the first time in a long time, I cry myself to sleep.