Fifty Reasons to Stay (Book Three)

Chapter Thirty Five- Smile

(Narrator's POV)
It couldn't have been a quarter after seven yet when Leo woke to the sound of quiet crying beside him. At first, he figured, maybe Donnie was just reading a sad part of a book– but then he remembered Donnie's reading level and quickly dismissed the thought.

Leo waited a few moments, assuming he should just let him cry it out... why was he even crying this time? They'd had a really good night on the beach, alone. Watching the stars, relaxing, swimming once everyone left, planning their ceremony... and then they went home and slept. Nothing happened that could cause Donnie to be upset. Maybe he was just overemotional?

Nah. Something was wrong.

Leo moved so that he could hold him, pressing his forehead against the back of Donnie's neck. He sighed. "Why are you crying?"

Donnie swallowed a small cry, slowing his breathing. "G-go back to sleep...I-I'm fine.."
"I've been hearing that word come out of your mouth a lot more than it should. I know you're not 'fine' if you're crying into a pillow early in the morning." Leo said in a gentle tone, rubbing his arm. He was still exhausted from the night before. "Tell me."
After a very long pause, Donnie finally spoke.
"I a...almost cut myself again last night." Donnie's voice was barely above a whisper. "I feel like I'm ready to die again."
"What..."
~~
(Donnie's POV)
Thumbing over my wrist, I sat across from him on this slightly sandy bed. He wanted me to explain exactly what I was feeling at the moment so he could fix it, but he couldn't. He just never was able to.

And it was hard for me to make words at a time like this. Everything I said was hard to understand... but for the sake of understandment  I'll write what I meant for less confusion...

Swallowing hard, I stood up, looking him right in the eyes. "What.. what could you possibly like about me? I'm overweight and mess my words up and my hands shake and I can't read or write and all I do is burden you. What do you see?"

Leo carefully gazed down my figure, then back up again. He touched my cheek. "I like everything about you."

"You're lying." I turned away, staring at myself in the big mirror on the wall, watching big tears rolling down my cheeks. "You see nothing in me but the guilt and wish you could've saved me. The love you feel shouldn't be there. I'm nothing to love. I still feel the same way I've felt for years about myself. It can't change."

"Let me help you..." He whispered, biting his lip.
"And how are you going to do that? Kiss my scars like some chick lit and tell me I'm beautiful? I know I'm not! I messed up and there's nothing you can do to make me like my ugliness." I could see I was breaking him slowly, I could see his heart like glass cracking...

He rubbed his temples, eyes red. "I love you. You know that I do."
I stared at the beige ceiling, focusing on my breathing. "You shouldn't."
"But I do."

"I'm nothing. You could have so much better. Someone who isn't stupid and shy and suicidal. Someone who is able to give you what you need." I touched the scar near my heart, sniffling again. "You know I used to cry myself to sleep almost every night for months because I thought you were going to leave me? You never noticed back then. Why is now any different?"

"Because I've learned to listen. I was hurting too. You weren't the only one who felt our marriage falling apart. I couldn't reach you. I let you slip out of my reach again.. and I waited for you to come back.." Leo stood, putting his hands on my shoulders. "I tried living without you and couldn't do it. You're my better half, Dee, what more can I say..?" He nuzzled his cheek against my head, sighing softly. "Where are you?"

"Lost... I can't stop hating myself for what I've done and regret every single word I say." I said softly, rubbing my eyes. "You will never convince me I'm worth it. I know you love me and I love you... But it's hard to give myself to you when I'm not worthy enough to even touch you."