Fifty Reasons to Stay (Book Three)

Chapter Forty Five- Fly

"I'm not gay," I had once thought as a man pinned me down on his bed, doing whatever he wanted to me. "I can't be gay. That isn't possible. Nobody in my family is."
He let his tongue trail up my jaw until it reached my lips, and then I received maybe my eighth kiss ever. It felt so good. But I couldn't be gay. I hadn't been with a girl. How would I know if I was attracted to females if I never tried? Maybe this was a one time thing, but Jesus Christ... my new lover was the hottest person I'd ever met.

Once we finished that first time.. I had to sit there and think about my actions. I think I cried, but I can't remember.

"I am gay.. I am so freaking gay.." I'd thought to myself after he left. Damn it, Leo.

I always have a few surprised faces when people find out I was twenty three when I got my first kiss (and lost my virginity, but we don't talk about that) and then even more pathetically, I married the person that took both. Most assume I grew up in an Amish home or some shit and Leo had come to court me.

At the moment, we were in bed and I was looking through a portion of pictures from the ceremony while he slept soundly beside me. I had a feeling he wouldn't be up for a while which gave me some time to myself. I knew as soon as he woke up he'd be in a lovey mood and want me in his lap and sigh...

17 years ago I never would've seen myself married to a man and actually quite happy about it, no... seventeen year old me figured he was going to be dead soon enough.

During the last semester of senior year, I was working a shift at the library and I found a magazine about male models laying on the floor. So of course, I picked it up. Some girl must've left it. The men were all muscular and appealing to the eye. Their Calvin Klein boxers fitted nicely around their crotches and the V-line below their hips was absolutely delicious...
I found myself turning the pages extremely slowly and felt an embarrassing sensation south of my pelvis as some of the pages features featured these men with their fronts fully exposed. This was a trap. I knew it. But I couldn't look away from these men.

But yet, I didn't find it gay.

I was pretty naive back then, wasn't I?

Anyway, pretty soon the entire student body knew I had casually browsed through this magazine and I got sent to the principal's office for the first time in my life. My mother was so pissed, though I was just angry at her boyfriend's son, who actually was the one who set this up.  That came to light before I went home from school when I was cornered in the boys bathroom by him and a few of his friends. They said they were teaching me a lesson, but I just remember getting beat up.

I tried to kill myself that night because after all of that, my mom's boyfriend had actually been proud of his son and called me a pansy. Yeah. Mikey caught me before I could do it and called Mom and we had to have a long talk about sexualities. I remember her icing the bruise on my cheek, eyes tired after a long day at work. "You're not gay, sweetheart. Kids your age are always questioning who they are attracted to, and you might experiment between both sexes, but just because you looked at some boys doesn't mean anything." She took both my hands and looked at me carefully. "It's too dangerous anyway. Please don't ever do something like that again.. you've got to get into a good college."

"But Mom..." I sniffed, wiping my eyes. "I.. I felt really attracted. I've never felt that way about a girl before. What if I really am?"

"Then Donnie, my sweet boy, I hope you find a man who can protect you from those types of people."

"Boys are cute.." I bit my lip. "There's a boy in my class and he.. I almost asked him to–"