Thoughts Inside of My.... Mind?

This Isn't Gonna Work :/

I'm not actually sure what that title is in reference to. There's a few things that I'm actually concerned about right now.

Let me just say this. It is a very real thing that I am worried about right now;

I don't see myself making it through this school year.

High school is a lot. I'm a junior this year so it's even more than before, and even though I've pretty much breezed through it all, I've still had struggles and have been very stressed out. And I had this bright idea last year to join an Early College program! 

On top of being a Junior in High School and a Freshman in College, I'm doing Marching band in high school, and hopefully theater in both. Oh, and I wanna balance a job in there too.

See the problem?

I'm honestly a Go-person, meaning that I'm constantly doing something. I hate sitting still (unless watching Supernatural. Duh), but that doesn't change the fact that I get overwhelmed and stressed out (Oh TOP Reference). At first I was sure I could balance everything, but now, I'm not. I've had college camp and band camp all week so far, and I can't focus. I screwed up a lot in band and I'm not doing good. I'm a fucking failure. Which sucks, cuz I've got a lot of pressure on me to do well in band, since I'm one of the Color guard section leaders. 

I was really looking forward to everything, but considering that I struggle with managing my stress, anxiety, and depression in a normal year of high school- yeah. In the summer I generally do a very grand job managing everything, but as of right now, that's not going well.

So yeah. I'm actually really worried. But I'm sure I'll be fine.

On top of that, I've been very unsure of the relationship I am currently in. This is a great person and all, and she's way awesome, but I do not think a relationship is a good idea for me. I think I prefer being single. But I'm gonna give us some more time, and hopefully I'll fall into it and it'll work out. 

Fuck. I'm really a mess. I honestly don't know why people like me? Or talk to me? Or hang out with me? I'm not a good person. I don't understand. 

9:59 PM 8/3/2016

Side note: I'm really struggling with the urge of performing an old habit on myself. Know what I'm saying without putting it into words? I'm trying... I don't wanna let people down....