Thoughts Inside of My.... Mind?

Okay

Wow it's been a long time since I used this. Sorry.

But I'm going to use this addition as what I originally made this book for- to vent? I don't know... I'm gonna treat this as a conversation. With myself. Because I can't stay in my head right now, and I can't keep numbing myself to what I'm feeling and thinking. So here it goes, I'm taking down the wall in my mind- the wall that stops me from thinking and hurting myself more.

Here it goes.

Wow... I don't feel how I have felt recently. And by recently, I mean this past year/past 2 years. I feel like how I used too...
I feel alone. Completely.
And it's such a deep feeling, and I deserve to feel like this. Because I should be alone... I am alone.
I forgot what it's like to feel this way.
Yes I know that people care for me and are there for me... but... I don't know. Part of me wants to feel this way? It's because I deserve to, I think. And I shouldn't complain about feeling this way, because I'm the one putting up the walls.
Wow. It literally feels like I'm in a cold concrete room, all alone. There's no sounds. There's no air. There's no light. There's no change.
I know now. I understand. I'm meant to be alone, and anything else is just a sad thing I dream up. Everything else is just this idea that I force others into. It's just an illusion that everyone plays along with.
I don't know why I thought that I actually deserved to be happy. I thought I deserved to be content... I thought I deserved... well... a lot of things.
But I know now that I don't.
It's clear.
I'm alone.
... it's kinda like I woke up from a dream? A dream that was so realistic and so appealing... it was perfect. God. I screwed up. And I deserve whatever I get. Because the reality of the situation is that I'm meant to be alone- I don't have a choice.
No matter how much I don't want to be alone, I have to be.
I don't want to be alone.
Oh my god. My stomach.. bleh. There's Conflict now, because I realized that I don't want to be alone. Alone with myself... my thoughts... the sad reality of what I am. This disappointing human being who can't do anything right. Who always fails and will continue to do so for the rest of my life.
Being alone makes me face that. And... god. I don't want to be alone.
But I am.

11/4/17 4:55 pm