Thoughts Inside of My.... Mind?

Frickin ugh

Just trying to go to sleep, like any other person, but fucking got blind sided by feelings I've been trying to ignore recently. Like what the fuck.

Just gonna warn you now, this might be triggering.

The other day I broke down and ended up self harming again, I figured that if I gave in to my depression for a few minutes, I'd be able to start fresh again and have another break from it- but sadly, that's not how depression works.

And I've been trying to avoid sitting down and thinking because I am not mentally in a good place right now. Within the past week I've wished I was dead more times than I can count, and at work I sit there and think about how I could kill myself.

But I don't want to die. I love life. I just don't like where I'm at.

I don't like that I can't just go into the career I want now, I don't like that I can't just be myself, I don't like that I can't get what I need to be a guy, I don't like feeling sad, I don't like being depressed.

But idk man. I just gotta realize that there's more to life. I have to look at the big picture without zooming to far out and thinking that life is pointless.

And it's really weird, because I feel like people might be picking up on the fact that I'm not well, because I'm being asked how I'm doing left and right which is insane.

Insane. That's what I am. I'm mentally not stable. Guys, if you knew some of the thoughts that went around in my head.... It's not good.

But all that bad aside, there is good. So I'll end this on a good note. My best friend. He's so amazing and even just messaging him "yo" or something helps me. I've never had a friend like him before, and he's just always got my back. He's part of the light I fight for, and he's just really awesome. And I get to hang with him tomorrow to see my favorite movie (I'm assuming it's gonna be my favorite anyways).

So yeah. Though I feel like shit, it's not all bad.

11:53 pm.  8/15/16

Also, gonna add that I'm single now, so I'm feeling a bit better in that category I guess. Somewhat less pressure anyways.

Another side note, I emailed my college professors today about my name and pronouns. So far one has replied and said that he's got it :)