Thoughts Inside of My.... Mind?

Lost connection

I used to be really good at connecting with people and making friends. Like, I could talk to someone and after 5 minutes know everything about them, have their complete trust, and have them be comfortable around me. Do you know how awesome that was? I could make friends with anyone I wanted.

And now, I can't.

It's too awkward for me to talk to people or have them talk to me, and besides joking around, I barely talk to anyone. There's two people in this world I feel like I have a real connection with, and that's Paige and Luis. Don't get me wrong- I love everyone else, but, we don't truly have a connection, do we? There's still awkward there.

At work everyone has friends who they talk to and joke with, and I joke with everyone too, but I'm no one's first choice, or even second. It's because I can't connect with anyone like I used too.

I used to know how everyone who react to different situations, almost like I could read their minds. I really... well, I "lived in my head". I thought about everything and every situation, and what people thought, and what people would do, and I could predict everything. I could really understand everyone and the choices they made or actions they took. And then that got the best of me, cuz I didn't take care of myself and I got really depressed. So I stopped "living in my head".

To be honest, I don't even know how to think properly anymore. I can't predict scenarios of what might happen or what someone's thinking or how someones feeling like I used too. I can barely feel anything. I love each day each hour at a time and I just roll with everything. I don't prepare or create expectations because I don't want to be upset or disappointed, and I love it. I really do! I love not worrying about anything and being chill if something goes wrong! But the downside is that because I no longer "live in my head" I can't make connections with anyone unless I try really hard. And I'm not sure I honestly know how to do that anymore. I'm not sure I know how to impress people to make them want to be my friend.

Everyone says they admire how chill I am, but it comes with a cost that I'm just realizing.

God, and I don't want to say this is a reason I can't make friends, but in my gut I know it is. Who wants to be friends with a mentally disturbed girl who thinks they're a guy? (Disclaimer: I am a boy. I am a boy. I am a boy. I am a boy. I am not a fucking girl and I will full on fight the next person who calls me one. For the sake of this argument, I had to word it that way). I get it. Being trans is confusing for others, and people don't know how to react or treat the person involved, and I don't make it easy because I don't correct people. So it's confusing. But for real- why would anyone want to be friends with me, purely based off the fact that I'm trans? (Another disclaimer: personally, don't think there's anything wrong with being trans. Had to make a point tho)

So yeah. I can't connect with people like I used to. And it upsets me. I just... I want more than two people who I connect with- and I want to be able to connect to those two better than I already do.

I... i. Well. I am who I am, and there's no changing it, because it IS who I am. But man... sometimes I really miss who I used to be. (Disclaimer: not what I used to be- again, I am a boy.)

I should go to sleep...

6/16/17 10:45 pm