Thoughts Inside of My.... Mind?

So

I'm about to go to bed, I just couldn't stop thinking long enough to even drift off to sleep. I need to write this down and get it out of my system. Let me just preface this by saying that I am super proud of who I am, and that I wouldn't change who I am for anything. Now, cue the venting.

I hate myself. I honest to god do. I didn't think I did- well, I felt it at times, like anyone else, but I never truly thought I hated myself. But today... I realized that I do. I can't tell you how many people I walked past today that took one glance at me, did a double take looking me up and down, and then glared at me until I thought I might combust right there and then. Do you guys know what it's like to be looked at with pure disgust? Because, I don't think I did until today.

I hate who I am. Not my personality, no, my physicality. If I was just a natural born guy... that's all I want. I wish. And it sucks because no matter what I do, it's never gonna be that way, obviously. I'm never gonna truly fit in with the rest of the guys. Sure, whatever, I fit in with my friends, but I have, what, one guy friend? Whom I happen to be dating? Doesn't really count. I just wish... man. I'd give anything for it. I just want to fit in. I don't want anyone to treat me differently because of who I am.

I fucking hate myself. If I wasn't so fucking committed to life, id be gone. Buh-bye. Gone. It's as simple as that.

Like fuck man. I can't even sing for fun without my voice bothering me, I can't act my parts right cuz my voice is to feminine, I can't fit in anywhere, I can't use the right bathroom, and I can't even go into public without people looking at me like I'm the scum of the world.

All because of who I am, physically.

Don't get me wrong, I have a great personality, but how far can that get me when everyone's judging a book by the cover?

I've always let my pronoun usage and stuff slide because it doesn't normally get to me. But it's been getting to me. Really badly. Normally, gender doesn't even phase me. I know who I am and that's generally good enough for me. But... I realized that it's not.

It's simple. I'm never gonna be the right thing for me. And I hate myself every second I'm breathing because of it. I don't have a stronger negative feeling towards anything else in this world than I do myself.

And everyone who reads this- don't bother. I know you guys appreciate me and care about me, but that doesn't change anything. It's how I feel about myself that's the problem, and that's not gonna change for the better.

10:21 pm 3/31/17

Ps- I hope no one has to feel the way I do. And I hope no one has to deal with the looks I got today, on a regular basis, or even at all.