Thoughts Inside of My.... Mind?

Age

I'm struggling right now. My mind can't decide between what I want to do, and what I should do.

I am 17. I am going to be an adult.

I should be growing up. I should stop acting like a child. I should be taking on more responsibilities. I should be thinking about a stable job for my future. I should be acting like an adult. I should find a successful business person and look to them as a role model. I should be making a realistic future for myself in my mind. I should be more realistic and responsible. I should just be the adult my parents want me to be.

But that's not.... it's not what my heart wants. And well, I can't decide what I want. I'm literally tearing myself apart right now... because that's what I think of when I think "adult" but.... that's not me.

I want to move to LA. I want to become a Youtuber or film maker. I want to be an actor. I want to act childish at times. I want to enjoy life. I want to dream. I want to try new things. I want to be myself. I want to have fun. I want to be adventurous. I want to do great things and be remembered. I want to be that 1 in a million person who is something great. I want to make my future as I go, not plan out every step. I want to try new things and not settle. I want to be great. I want my own career and not a boring and 'stable' job. I want to do what I want to do.

But that isn't realistic. And... it's what my heart wants? But not my brain. My brain wants the 'should'. If I go with the 'should' I make my parents proud and I have an average life. If I go with the 'want' my life's gonna be a rollercoaster. It might not be safe. It might not be do-able. It's not realistic. But... it's gonna be fun. And I'm going to enjoy it... right?

I don't know. The 'wants' are what I did want... and what I do want I think? But my heart hurts right now. Part of me wants the 'shoulds' but I don't know.

I'm 17. I don't act like I'm 17, and I think it lets my parents down... I don't know what my future holds for me. I thought I had it figured out. But I don't know... I don't know if I can do what I want.

I need to act like I'm 17, right? At what point do I need to grow up? And what is growing up really? I don't think I want to grow up. I don't want to have a boring life... I don't know.

I haven't felt this torn apart and anxious in a long time. I just want to make my parents proud, and I want to do what I want. But I'm not realistic. And I probably won't get to do either.... I haven't wished harm on myself for a long time. But everything has an end.

Man. I'm not actually allowed to be on my phone right now... how can I be an adult when my every move is monitored and restricted? Fuck it all.

8:29 pm 12/12/15

After thought:
Maybe this is fucked up for me because when I was starting to adult I had new siblings? I connect with them a lot and I take care of them and okay with them... I haven't stopped myself from acting like a child. Since they were born I've been acting more like a child than I did.

Don't get me wrong, I love them. But was my development just fucked up from the beginning?