So we just dug some old photo albums up at my moms, and she was trying to show them to me and stuff, and I had to leave. Because pictures are supposed to bring happy memories... And nothing about my childhood can do that.
That wasn't even the first time I started having flashbacks to my childhood tonight, it was just the first time it got so bad I had to remove myself from the situation. Like, we used to play board games together all the time, and we were playing cards for the first time since... Ever maybe? And I had started getting those.
What do I mean by flashbacks? I mean my entire fucking childhood is repressed and I can't really remember a single thing about it unless I'm A) really trying, or B) in the right kind of situation. I've had conversations with my sister that has nearly broken me because once the memories start coming they don't really stop. Ever.
And don't get me wrong- my childhood wasn't all bad, but it was messed up. The circumstances that I grew up in should've turned me into some kind of psycho.
I'm not going into it now. Never. I'm not. I can't fucking deal with it. With all the fucking memories. With all the reminders of how fucked up it was. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. Having flashbacks like these put me into a state of weakness, I freeze up so bad and I can't move. I can't do it.
I just want to be normal. I want something about my life to be normal. I want a family that's not this fucked up. I can't handle this.
I can't.
8:57 pm. 8/30/16
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Thoughts Inside of My.... Mind?
HumorSo my friend Luis has this book with different chapters each representing something he's thinking about. He uses it as a venting tool and other things, and I've decided I'm gonna try it too. SO. These are just random thoughts inside of my.... mind.
