Thoughts Inside of My.... Mind?

Idk

This may be triggering, so heads up. Not rly sure where I'm gonna go with this. Let's see... I could rant/vent about work, friends, or anything...

Work.

So I'm a lifeguard at this amusement park, and I honest to god love my job. What I don't like tho, is that at first it seemed like I would get along with everyone and that I could make more friends, but now.... It just feels like everyone hates- or strongly dislikes- me.

I get it. I really do. I hate myself too.

Why I say this is that everyone who did talk to me, doesn't rly, and when they do its bland and blunt and straight to the point. There's no warmth in it or anything. But I shrug it off cuz I do get it. I'm not exactly the average person, and I get that people can be weirded out by it, or just not interested at all 

What makes it worse (and oh my god I'm a terrible person for saying this or even thinking it) is that my girlfriend gets a ton of attention and love from everyone. The leads and supes love her and invite her places and stuff, and I get super jealous.

Fuck. I'm a fucking terrible person. Why am I jealous that someone I love is happy and treated nicely?

So that's that. I just feel like no one wants me there, and that no one would care if I wasn't....

That brings me to my next point. It's been just under 2 months since I've experienced my depression for an extended amount of time. Until recently anyways.

I'm not in a good place right now, and it's fucking stupid because my life is perfectly fine and there's NO REASON this should be HAPPENING. Like fuck. I just wanna be normal... I don't want to get weird looks because I'm not physically what I am mentally... I don't want to have to deal with these thoughts telling me that the worlds better off without me daily... I don't want to get disliked automatically by people... I don't want to get left out.... I don't want to be hated for doing what makes me able to live (barely) with myself.

I want to be normal.

That leads to the next part...

At first, when I realized/learned of  what is called "transgender", and that I was a part of it, I was happy. I was stoked. I finally could fit in somewhere. Maybe mot in everyday life, but still. I could fight the hate! I could be myself! I could be happy in my own skin.

But now, I realize how hard it is. I wish I was normal. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

Honestly, I love who I am. Alexx, a boy. It's me, and I'd rather be no one. I just wish it was that simple.

I'm not physically who I am mentally, and I'm not okay. The hate, the looks, everything that o receive daily makes the day so much harder. At first I didn't realize that, but a year into this... I do.

I'd give anything to be myself physically, but I can't change that for a while... And that just adds a whole new fucking side to my depression.

Whatever. I'm fine honest. Forget I said anything.

I'm not gonna read through this and edit it or anything, I'm just gonna leave it as is, straight out of my fucked up mind.

12:56 PM.    7/4/2016