Thoughts Inside of My.... Mind?

Uh Okay...?

Yeet. 

Just kidding, I'm only trying to be funny cuz that's what I normally do. I don't actually feel like being funny, I don't feel like I need to impress anyone. Well no- there's no one to impress. 

Anyways, you guys wanna hear something that sounds really stupid and doesn't make any sense? Oh- what was that? You get enough of that every time you read my stuff....? Oh. Right. I mean besides that lol.

There's this guy, Ethan. He's appeared on Markiplier's instagram and in his Undertale livestream for a few hot seconds, and it's weird. I look a hell of a lot like him, and I, personally, feel like I sound pretty close to him too. And, I'm jealous of him? Like. Idk... It's stupid. It's all good, I'll live.

I just wanna grow up right now. And live on my own. With my own rules, my own schedule, and my own life style. Hell yeah I wanna do Youtube, I always have. I just don't have the time nor chance since my Dad and family on that side looks down at the internet and stuff. I barely allowed to be on my phone- even though they are ALWAYS on their phones. Whatever.

Mainly, I wanna grow up so I can move on with my life. I need to get out of here. I'm not a small town person. After I finish at MCC I've talked about going to CMU, but I don't think I can stay here much longer. I need to get out of Michigan, and get somewhere that I can progress my career and life. I wanna get my own place on the outskirts of a big city. Somewhere that I won't be directly in the city, but it'll be close enough to drive to and prevent me from feeling like I'm no where near civilization. So, some big place- ideally New York, or LA, or some place like that. Once I'm there, I wanna get a job. A job with plenty of time off, or time that I can spend at home still, that way I have time to start on my acting pathway and still have sufficient funds to live. 

I've always figured that I would start off by making short skits and putting them on Youtube, hopefully getting an audience and starting to make a positive difference in people's lives. From there? I haven't really thought about it. Of course I'd be auditioning for everything that I could, writing scripts in my free time for fun, and just generally developing movie/tv ideas that way I might get somewhere one day. Youtube could be a side hobby, and if I got big enough it could maybe be my career, but I doubt it. I wanna act. Not theatre acting, but TV, film, the big stuff.  I want to direct too. I want to be able to start with nothing, and end with a grand finished project. I want to be known by the people. I want to be able to make great movies or shows or skits that make people laugh and feel and think. I want to impress people. I want people to look up to me. I want to inspire people. I want to help people. So as selfish as my plans and goals for my future are, I think they're gonna help others too.

Right now, my motivation is strong. But I can't do anything. This town, my education, my age... everything's holding me back. And I'm scared. 

My biggest fear is to be stuck. What if I don't get out of this town? What if I do, but I get so caught up with a common-joe job that I can't progress? What If I do, but I make things that people don't like? What if I do but, I don't get anywhere? What if I don't become anything? 

My future is honestly the biggest reason I'm still alive. I've told my bae this before, but no one else. If I didn't think that there was even the slightest chance that I'll succeed with what I want to do in life, or that I'll even get somewhere, I would've killed myself  by now. 

It's just hard right now, because I feel stuck. I'm almost 17. And I've gotten no where. I've made no progress on anything that I want to do or be, and I'm not gonna for a while. And that's hard. I just wish I was older. If I was older I would have my own house, my own rules, my own schedule... I wouldn't have to count on anyone else.

So if I had one wish in life? I'd spend it hoping that things would work out for me. I'd spend it on MYSELF. Do you guys realize how selfish I am? Everyone always says that I'm a good person, but I'm not. Believe me. 

You know- I'd say that I don't know how I keep my friends that I have, but I don't think I do. I don't keep them. I try to- at least, I think I do, in my own little disconnected way, but it doesn't work.

Idk. Lately, I've realized how disconnected I am, and it's just now that I'm realizing that it's more than socially. It's realistically too. And emotionally. 

Right. I've ranted enough. Goodnight I guess. I'm not going to bed yet, but you know what I mean.

7:37 Pm 11/5/16